Dear BikeNewBlack, SWM?

It's expected that when you post your address online and invite people to ask you for bullshit advice that you're going to get some bullshit emails in return. Every once in a while, amidst the profanity-laden, insulting messages from people like keanureevesnutbutter or cropdustingpukewhore (I suspect they are the same person), I'll find one -even if it's intended as a sarcastic put-down- that I can actually address.

Dear BikeNewBlack,
Long time listener, first time caller. I see your pictures and you seem to be a fairly good looking guy-no homo. Can you give me some tips or some general rules to follow so that I can look just like you?! Like stuff I can't learn from looking at your pictures. No seriously, if I needed help, I wouldn't ask you. Also, I'm thinking of starting a blog where all I do is take pictures of food and graffiti. Good idea right!? Haha sucker.

Dear Single White Male (?),
It's funny you should ask; I was just thinking about a plan of attack for telling the guy at work that wears a brown belt and brown shoes with his black jeans that he should no longer do that because he loses a little more credibility each time he does. As a "general rule"...

1-Brown and black should NOT be worn together. If for some ungawdly reason this has to happen, use a auxiliary color between so that black and brown are not directly touching each other. In fact brown doesn't really cooperate well with anything other than different shades of itself; and even then, It' doesn't look that good. That being said, I do have a few brown items in my closet: my favorite is a cardigan that I'll wear with soft-colored tee or button-up. Otherwise, I try to stay away from brown as much as possible.

2-Invest in grey. Incognizant folks might say grey is boring, and quite frankly, they are wrong. In all actuality grey is quite versatile and refreshing when worn correctly. Use grey as enhancement, allowing other colors to pop or to provide a smooth transition between two pigments that normally wouldn't compliment each other.

3-Wear jeans. Not too baggy, not too skinny (slim is preferred) and no flare legs; and keep 'em pulled up to at least above the butt-crack. Also, no button flaps or wacky designs on the back pockets. That shit is for females. The only dude I've ever seen making back flap pockets even remotely acceptable is Joel McHale and still, that was questionable.

4-Keep the facial hair at a modest level. I know facial hair is hot right now; and I am down with that. Ive been rocking the scruff for years. However, if you insist on growing a Jerry Garcia beard, (or as I'd prefer, an Evan Tanner Tribute Beard,) keep it clean. As part of your daily routine, wash your face and run a comb through it. As well, keep it trim around the edges. Shave from just above the Adam's Apple and down and below the cheek bone and up. As for mustaches, well the jury is still out on that. Ironic mustaches, I suppose are OK, but I'm sorta over the whole ironic thing.

5-Your hair can look like you don't care about it but it shouldn't look like you care about and are trying to act like you don't care about it. You follow me?

So there you go: five tips to get started on looking just like me. Thanks for the call and good luck with the blog!


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