6/23/09

Dear BikeNewBlack, Going Postal

Dear BikeNewBlack,
Sometimes the people I work with really annoy the shit out of me. Any suggestions? Would it be wrong to just shoot them in the face?
-Disgruntled Employer

Dear DE,
When I was in college I worked at this crappy Americanized Mexican restaurant. Not like a Taco Johns or Taco Bell but like the other ones that spell restaurant with and extra e at the end and tag on "& Cantina." Anyway, the owner was a mentally unstable alcoholic, whom also happen to have a penchant for hand guns. Some of these guns were kept in his office. It wasn't uncommon for this dude and his buddies to stick around after hours, drink themselves into a stupor and pull out the artillery. On more than one occasion the staff would come in the next day to find bullet holes in the walls of the game room and empty shell casings behind the bar. Well eventually, in one tragic event, the dude shot and killed his ex-gf's new bf and then attempted to kill both her AND himself but was unsuccessful. This didn't take place at work and the victims were not employees, but I think you get the idea. In other words, your question hits a little too close to home. (Details: here, here and here.) So, no, I don't think inflicting gun violence to their face or any other body part is appropriate in this situation.
However, since you're in charge, you may be able to find a way to take out your frustrationss that's both viciously aggressive and legal. Perhaps this opportunity arises disguised as an "Employee Appreciation Event" or something similar. Find room in the budget to rent one of those boxing rings with over sized gloves. Offer those annoying employees something everybody wants: a shot at the boss. (Make sure they sign waivers absconding you from any "unfortunate injuries" they may incur) Don't make your intentions obvious though. Make them feel like they are getting away with murder. (No pun intended.) Let 'em get a bunch of good shots in. You with me? Lull 'em in. Let 'em love it. They're looking at their buddies like "Wow, I can't believe it. Am I gonna get fired for beating my boss's ass? Who cares!!!" Maybe even lose a match to one of them that only annoys you a little. And then, when you get the one in the ring...the one that makes you see red at the mere mention of their name...the one who's voice makes the hair on the back of your neck stand...the one that is always complaining about time off and raises and how so-and-so sucked so-and-so's dick to get their position...you know the one. When you get that one in there, let 'em get one good shot in. One good shot that makes 'em feel cocksure. Now they are feeling confident. Now is the time! Deliver to them, what I like to call, "the 'accidental' beating of a lifetime!" But make sure they sign that waiver first. Thanks for writing in.
-BikeNewBlack

thee.n.o.b@gmail.com

5 comments:

  1. getdafuckoudahereJune 23, 2009 at 7:00 PM

    pffft im calling bullshit

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  2. Wow making light of murder. Wonderful. I'm inching closer to hating you again.

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  3. HOMO the unofficialJune 24, 2009 at 9:54 AM

    Bravo!

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  4. what was wrong wit just saying 'no'?

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