6/9/09

Dear BikeNewBlack, I got a fever

Dear BikeNewBlack,
Ok, so here is the deal. My wife and I met our freshman year of college and have been together ever since. (10 years.) She is my best friend. We have gone through just about everything two people can go through together. (i.e. illness, bankruptcy, nearly dying in the Algonquin, an insane co-worker turned stalker, etc.) In all the time that I have known her, I have never, not even once, wanted anyone but her. Then we got married. It's been about a year. You know that Nine Inch Nails song where he screams "I want to fuck everyone in the world!" (I Do Not Want This-ed.) Well that's pretty much me right now. What's my problem?
-Louis

Dear Louis,
Welcome to being a regular guy! The feelings you are experiencing are not anything out of the ordinary. You reference a NIN song that is about ten years old and have dated your wife since college, so I'm going to assume you're around my age. I'm surprised that this is the first time you've struggled with something like this. My friends would tell you that I'm the last guy you'd ever want to ask for relationship advice; and they would probably be right. However, lucky for me, you're just asking me to identify the problem.

Identifying the problem is easy. I'm guessing it's a combination of four things:
A) You're a man.
B) You're feeling trapped. Classic case of a dude afraid of commitment. Why did it take you nine years to get married? Jesus, I know, I sound like a chick, right? Well, there is some truth to it, my man. You said it yourself: before you were married, you never wanted anyone else. It was easy to feel that way because, had you wanted to stick your dink in some skanky sorority girl, you could have. Now that you're married, the repercussions of such behaviour are much more serious on a variety of levels.
C) You're inexperienced. I'd venture to guess you've had very few sexual partners. Which, I might add, is NOT A BAD THING. In fact it's quite a good thing for many reasons, of which, we don't have to go into now. The one drawback, and one that plagues many religious folks who "wait", is now that you're married, you're realizing that you've missed your window of promiscuous fucking. And from what I hear, if executed correctly, promiscuous fucking can be a glorious thing. It's not unfortunate that you got married; it's unfortunate that you got married before contracting chlamydia at least once.
D) You're having boring sex. Or possibly none at all.

Thanks for writing in.
-BikeNewBlack

send submissions to bnb@hotdogdayz.com, subject: Dear BikeNewBlack

12 comments:

  1. Camel Toe UnfilteredJune 9, 2009 at 2:30 PM

    This is the second time I've had to say this today...
    Well, that was mind-numbingly dull.

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  2. Don't lie, how long did you work on this?

    ps-too long; didn't read.

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  3. This made me cry a little. I've only had sex with three people.

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  4. @ Anonymous

    As long as you're not married, there is still time. You free tonight?

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  5. Officially OffendedJune 9, 2009 at 4:01 PM

    Did I really just read "...stick your dink in some skanky sorority girl..."? I think I'm done with HDD.

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  6. @fake shitcock

    Stop with the name stealing.

    @anonymous

    Not interested.

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  7. Very funny and most likely accurate but aren't you a little old to be talking about soroity girls? ;)

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  8. this is two of these in a row that are actually pretty good. what's up with that? i wanna hate you but you are not making it easy. please dont make me settle for 'strong dislike'?

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  9. another winner BROTHER!

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  10. Try doing her from the back door. Coax her away from Missionary-only...

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