6/4/09

Dear BikeNewBlack, You So Pretty

To: bikenewblack (bnb@hotdogdayz.com)
June 4, 2009 12:31 PM
Subject: dearbikenb
Body:
Dear BikeNewBlack,
So you use eye cream huh? (mentioned here. -ed.) I thought that was 'chick shit.' I may regret this but wtf, here goes: Got any other beauty secrest?
-Vegan Jewels

To:
June 4, 2009 1:05 PM
RE: dearbikenb
Body:
Dear VJ,
Your question confuses me. Either you misspelled secrets OR you're missing a comma and misspelled AND forgot to capitalize Seacrest, in which case, you're sentence is still missing the word secret. Did you mean "Got any other beauty secrets?" or "Got any other beauty secrets, Seacrest?" Jusayin'.....

To: bikenewblack (bnb@hotdogdayz.com)
June 4, 2009 1:31 PM
Subject: RE: RE: dearbikenb
Body:
Dear BikeNewBlack,
Soooooo sorry I'm not quite as clever as yo and only meant SECRET. So now that you got that out of your system, I'll ask you, please stfu and answer the question!...Seacrest.
-Vegan Jewels

To:
June 4, 2009 2:13PM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: dearbikenb
Body:
Dear VJ,
Okay, cool. Aside from using a lifting and firming eye cream, there are a few other things you can do to be beautiful like me. The main key to having radiant skin is moisture. Moisturize, moisturize, moisturize. As Derek Zoolander said, "Moisture Is the Essence of Wetness. And Wetness Is the Essence of Beauty." So, first, ditch the bar soap. Instead use a loofah, alternating daily, between different body washes: one that contains sea salts and an age-defying one that contains vitaniacin. Also, generously apply lotion to both your body and face after showering. For the body, I suggest interchanging between a lotion that contains vitamins a,d & e and aloe, and a smoothing and firmng lotion that contains elasticine peptides and collagen. Often times body lotion is too strong for facial skin, and may cause your pores to clog up. The result: your face looking like a Totinos Party Pizza. Nobody wants to eat it; nobody wants to look at it. I recommend using a lotion designed specifically for the face. Also, I'd advise selecting a daily facial moisturizer that has an SPF of at least 15. I personally use a 30 SPF because I'm in the sun everyday for at least two hours, commuting, having fun, and just being an all-around rad bike dude. Hope this helps; and, of course, thanks for writing in! "Seacrest, out!"

11 comments:

  1. uhm, i think u frget the ending. u know the part, it goes "...and i know all of this stuff because IM A GIANT FUCKING FAG!"

    "jusayin.."

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  2. WELL HEY ZUES EFFING CHRISTOPHER YEW ARE SO FULL OF YOURSELF LOL.

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  3. i'll admit i really wanted to hate this but this is actually really good advice. how unfortunate. now please get back to posting stuff i hate.

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  4. RIP David CarradineJune 4, 2009 at 4:23 PM

    You know how when you sit down to take a shit and as soon as it starts coming out a stink fills the air and you know its going to be really bad one but something makes you not do yourself a courtesy flush and you just trudge forward and gut it out in all the stench intil its done? Thats how it felt to read this.

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  5. THat adVice izzzZZZ NIce///????
    MY butT is HEeeyooooge. Hepl ME11!

    pps-i workied indA LIvrary!!!11 hahayou think you no but yiOU DONt ;)

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  6. Dont let them get you down. You're doing a fabulous job. Damn fine advice. And now I will share with you a little secret- I love part pizzas. But they are really hard to find up here.

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  7. ^^I meant 'party.' tehe ;)

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  8. At least he shut up about punk rock for a minute.

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  9. Jumpin Jim BrunzellJune 5, 2009 at 10:23 AM

    Good stuff DUDE!

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  10. @keanureevesnutbutter

    well he didnt actually mention it by name but he is talking about fashion. and punk rock-by nature-is just fashion.

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  11. ^^Ahhh...I wasn't really talking about fashion??

    None-the-less, your comment is hilarious, and, quite possibly, true.

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