Dear BikeNewBlack, Great Balls Of Fire

Dear BikeNewBlack,

I have a problem. I am currently "between girlfriends" and I'm finding myself with an overabundance of male reproductive fluids. This isn't my main concern, however. I've taken up masturbation again, with a gusto not felt since I was a teenager, not because I'm especially horny, but because I'm worried my testicles will become too large and burst if not drained of some of their contents regularly.

Yes, I find myself in an odd predicament, in that I fear that if I don't continue pleasuring myself to orgasm--as much as three times a day--I could harm myself. What's worse is that no matter how much I excrete my fluids, the size of my balls is unaffected! I mean, one would think increased ejaculation would cause shrinkage, but this quite untrue. The fact is, my balls seem to be dramatically increasing in size, and I'm worried. At this rate, no girlfriend is going to be interested in me--she won't be able to keep up with me. Help!

-Once, Twice, Three Times a Man...

Dear OTTTAM...,

You're suffering from what is commonly referred to as Cerebral Ballsy.

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, depending on one's grip on the situation,) even the world's most renowned sack-squeezing medical practitioners have not yet discovered a cure. The only thing known to provide even the slightest bit of nut relief and aid in the prevention of further ball-swelling is to do what you've already been doing: maintaining a vigorous skeet schedule. However, don't try to handle this thing by yourself. Now is not the time to be the master of one's bate. There will be plenty of time for that if you ever get married.

You should consider yourself lucky that this came during one of those often dreamed about, yet rarely achieved, precious and unforgettable moments in time known as "emotional un-attachment." Whether horny or not, a man of your current testicular fortitude should have so much vagina that there are pussies-not wimpy dude style "pussies," but actual fleshy, labia and clitoris style pussies-falling out of your pockets when you walk down the street. (Eddie Murphy's Delirious, anyone?)



  1. incredible. just fucking incredible.

  2. Were all even at one a piece here folks. More from this guy. Seems to bring out the best in BNB.

  3. ^^so SHITCOCK you wrote the letter huh? good job.

  4. BNB your relationship is DOOMED! YOur gf can only handle this kind of shit for so long...

  5. former "fling"July 21, 2009 at 7:52 AM

    "...rarley achieved..."

    Ha, I knew you were developing feelings for me. Why couldn't you just stick it out a little longer? ;)

  6. The Jackrabbit Masterbates!

  7. @Anonymous 9:32PM

    See that little tag at the bottom that says "humor"? That means he's not serious.

  8. ^^unfrotunalee it duzzint mean its goinabe funny.