Cougars are like so racist.

Last night I was thinking again about how I totally missed the boat on cougars. But then I came to a conclusion that makes me feel a little better: cougars are racist.

Stick with me; I'll get there in a minute.

A couple months back I met up with a female friend of mine for some overpriced beer and appetizers at one of those places that's trying to mask it's obvious sports barness behind a disguise of wine lists and gourmet burger menus. You know the place: hockey jersey'd normies pretending they like espresso Mai Bock and sweet potato fries. (JC, just order the jalapeno poppers and a Miller Lite already! You're not fooling anyone.) Anyway, my friend had brought me to this ghastly atrocity of a bar to tell me something very important.

On a recent trip to Las Vegas she ended up partaking in an activity, "sort of by accident," that landed her smack-dab in the middle Cougarville. After a night of Patron and nose candy (that would be the accident,) she rode the cock of a man boy, 14 years her junior (She's 35.) As a result, her life's ambition has now been realized.

"I'm a cougar!"

Over several glasses of microbrewed yeast infections and an order of Blooming Coconut Milk Cauliflower Bites, she told me about all the young poles she gets to smoke now and illustrated exactly why she is fully embracing an early acclivity into the world of cougardom.

"A-Their shit is all new: nice abs, no love handles, smooth skin, amazingly sleek penises...and big...and HARD. B-They can go all night; even if they cum right away, they can get hard again and fuck within' a matter of minutes. C-They usually have cocaine. And D-did I mention their penises?"

Sitting there listening to her gush (metaphorically AND physically) over her newfound love of beautiful boners, I couldn't help but feel like I had missed out on something. Where were all these yogalate-bodied divorcees craving detached sex when I was 21?

So last night I was thinking about this and getting sort of pissed off. I mean, the whole premise of cougaring is based almost entirely on sexism and ageism. Almost. There is one other thing though that makes this the whole thing fucked: racism.

Cougars are racist.

If we've learned one thing about prejudice, it's that sexism and ageism is bad, but being a racist is the worst. And cougars are fucking racist. Think about it; have you ever seen a black cougar? No?

That's because black cougars are called panthers! And the Black Panthers, along with their pale-faced brothers in the Klu Klux Klan and Nazi Germany, wrote the fucking book on racism.

Now, I may have totally missed the boat on cougars but at least I'm not a racist.

Dear Cougars,
I don't care if the dudes you are banging have penises dipped in gorgeous sauce; you're a racist!

Thanks, I feel better.


  1. does your girlfriend hate you?

  2. Is that cauli thing a real appetizer?

  3. ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ....

  4. Cougars are just learning to be as shallow as men, welcome to shallowville cougars!

  5. I want my gig back! I'm sure your "friend" loved reading this. I mean who can't figure out who lonely girl is?

  6. For a blog whos creator and readers love to give English lessons, I can't believe nobody mentioned all the typoes.

  7. last two comments are the same person. hater. burn!

  8. Says the person who misspelled typos.

  9. A woman in her early 50's banged me a few years back. Is she to old to be a cougar? Is she a saber-toothed tigar? And by the way, she was great.

  10. pics or it didnt happen

  11. this is some funny rap musicMarch 17, 2010 at 9:24 PM

    Did you mean "even more fucked?"

  12. Newest hipster hangouts, " gastropubs" home of the 8 dollar pint and 11 dollar cheeseburger. I'll take Matt's Bar anyday over these places referenced by BNB.