4/28/10

Dear BNB, There's Always Next Time



Dear BNB,

I fucked a guy on the second date and now he is totally ignoring me. Where did I go wrong? Was it because I kind of got him drunk and took advantage of him? He seemed okay with it at the time. Do you think he’s pissed at me?

-Name Withheld

Dear 2nd Date Fucker,

Here’s the deal:

When it comes to chicks, guys continually have to make compromises. Not just with you, but also with ourselves; and about things we would never tell you. (At first “I can’t stand her hemp necklace and the way her jeans flare out at the bottom BUT that probably won't matter when I'm getting a bj from her.” Which eventually leads to “Of course I’d like to hang out at your aunt’s house Saturday night instead of going to see some bands with my buddies.”) This is especially true if it means we’re going to get some pussy and/or maintain our position on the receiving end of said pussy.

He seemed ok with it because he WAS ok with it…like you said, “at the time.” It wasn’t the kind-of-got-him-drunk-and-took-advantage-of-him where you went wrong. (Getting drunk and fucking? Yeah, guys toooootally hate that.) Where you went wrong was in making him compromise himself by waiting until the second date to get laid. But he’s not really pissed at you; he’s pissed at himself for allowing it to happen. This whole time that he has been ignoring you, he’s been telling himself that there will be no more sexing betwixt you, but he knows, if he sees you again, there most certainly WILL BE, and that means more compromises. And more compromises mean pretty soon he’s going to develop feelings for you. Which, as any self-respecting guy knows, is one of the biggest compromises of all time: the dreaded having feelings. (“I wasn’t looking for anything serious.” Yeah, no shit asshole; nice job following through on that.)

Admitting having feelings for a chic is like an emotional damn breaking, leaving a valley of your former self to be washed away in a giant tidal wave of compromise. Next thing he knows, he’s married with children, living in the suburbs; his fixed-gear bicycle collecting dust in the garage (along with his punk 7 inches,) while he makes a 45 minute commute to work in a minivan. None of which would have happened had he not made that original compromise for the pussy. The same pussy he's not even getting anymore. Hell, the same pussy he doesn't even want anymore. He's compromising every aspect of his life because, now, he loves you.

Basically, 2DF, he’s totes ignoring you because you waited until the second date to fuck him, thus setting a precedence for a long life of compromise that he was not expecting.

Either that or he has a girlfriend.

In which case:

Two dates and he still hasn’t told you he has a gf, huh. He was probably waiting until after you fucked him. Unfortunately he didn’t thoroughly think through the part where he'd have to tell you about her, and since said fucking has come to fruition, he’s decided now is as good time a time as ever to start pretending it and you never happened. In this case, you’re the one that was taken advantage of. Total bummer.

Sorry about guys,
-BNB

12 comments:

  1. you wood think hilary duff wood have enuff experence to know better.

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  2. Well that's one way of looking at it.

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  3. SKAsian-The One Man Asian Ska BandApril 29, 2010 at 9:16 AM

    As a victim of abuse you'd think I'd be more alarmed by a 30 someting giving sex adivice to highschool girls on the internet but I actually found this rather accurate.

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  4. your gf must hate you.

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  5. Well this is certainly a depressing way to start the day. I'm going back to TMZ now.

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  6. Reality is DepressingApril 29, 2010 at 9:36 AM

    As if I didn't alredy know this.

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  7. this is some funny rap music saidApril 29, 2010 at 9:49 AM

    I bet every thirty year old hitched up guy that reads this site just comtemplated suicide.

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  8. He's just not that into you.

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  9. same old sutff nathen stil at it haha

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  10. BNB-you said the baby was not yours and that was...............TRUE! Grab your fixie and records and move back to the city.

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  11. " Going back to TMZ", now THAT'S depressing.

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