Hollywood Hartmann

That’s me as LaParka. Or at least some gothic, black metal, gang-member-from-the-original-Karate-Kid version of LaParka. I used house paint that I had “borrowed” from my boss’s garage to paint the skeleton on some old Dickies and an inside out D.A.R.E. t-shirt. On the back I wrote “Matalo Todo Hippies!” I had considered going with “Por El Bando Rudos,” which is how they say “And representing the bad guys...” in Lucha Libre, but instead went with some poorly worded Spanglish that was supposed to mean “Kill all hippies.” You see we were going to a giant warehouse hippy jam band costume party because that’s what all of our friends were doing. And for some reason it was very important that, even while in costume, I let the hippies know that I was punk rock. Ridiculous, I know. I should have just written “Hey don’t get any funny ideas about me liking hippies or jam bands. I’m just here to remind you of that while you’re trying to have a good time.”

Mpls, MN, mid 00s

One of my favorite parts of his Hollywood Hogan costume was the homemade N.W.O. shirt. He took the time to make a screen and print that himself. Like you couldn’t just buy one? Hilarious. And that fucking coat. It’s been part of several of his costumes over the years. In fact, that coat is a costume all in itself. That coat is the shit, man. And no, it’s not real fur.

The party was packed wall-to-wall with cigarette smokers, making it barely breathable and all the beer, which was included in the ten dollar cover, ran out in like five minutes. And then to make things even better, my gf’s ID was stolen. End of night.

How’s that saying go, so nice you gotta do it twice? Hollywood did make another appearance...

St.Paul, MN, mid 00s

...about a year later at another ill-fated party attempt. After six of us sat around the dining room table in full costume for a couple of hours, someone finally asked the hostess when the rest of the people she invited were going to show up. To which she matter-of-factly replied “Uhm, I think this is it.”

My favorite part is that he grew and then dyed a Hogan ‘stache. That's commitment.


  1. glorious. not sure what you're talking about as usual but those costumes are glorious.

  2. ...and how many of you came to see the N...W....O?

  3. Hartmann is the SHIT!!!! Keep that shit up brotha!