6/9/10

You Being A Pussy Is Really Harshing My Gig


You know what really pisses me off? Fear.

With the one exception being success, I’m not afraid of a goddamn thing. (Ok, well, what I mean is besides Juggalos, Sur 13, real life Germans and going too fast down a mountain or really large hill on a snowboard or bike, success is the only thing I’m afraid of.) So it’s not my fear per se, but rather other people’s fear that piss me off.

Today a friend sent me an email titled this is what I would do if I saw a frog with a link to this video of overpaid, fairly hot, terrible actresses being scared of snakes. Other than the fact that the blonde one looks good in skinny jeans, the video makes me more irritable than Justin Beiber at an Australian TV taping.

The mere thought of people being so scared of something that they can't even think about it, let alone see it, fills me with blood-boiling rage. Why? I’m not sure. And I’m not ready to figure that out yet. Instead I'd rather bitch about a few other people’s fears for a moment.

Tickling.
My gf is afraid of tickling. Fucking tickling! Are you kidding me? Who the fuck is afraid of tickling? You’re fucking laughing for chrissakes. You know what laughing is? It’s the end result of fun. You’re laughing because you’re having fun, goddamnit! She can't even think about tickling. If I even pretend I’m going to tickle her she cowers in fear or runs away or screams at me to stop. Then I have to feel bad for trying to have fun. Basically she’s afraid of not only having fun but also pretending to have fun. I don’t get it. Gawd, it makes me angry. Seriously, what’s more fun than tickling?

Let’s back up a minute shall we...

Frogs.
Frogs? Gedafuckouttahere. You’re afraid of frogs? What did a frog ever do to you? I think you're real fear is the theory of evolution. Besides, do you know how easy it is to kill a frog? All it takes is a foot. You got a foot don’t you? If you're lucky it will only take one stomp. Prefer to get creative and watch it die a slow death? Pick it up and throw it on an ant hill. You should never be afraid of something you can kill. Plus, they are like so totes cute. And they definitely don’t deserve to die, so stop thinking that way and get over it, you creep; you’re pissing me off.

Blimps.
Yes, blimps. Believe it or not I know someone that is afraid of blimps. When asked why, this is what she said.

“They just aren't right! They explode, they look weird, they are completely unnecessary, and they hover around like some creepy lurker.”

Oh, my bad, I didn't realize "blimps" was slang for New Yorkers or Texans. Listen, I’m not a huge fan of either one myself, but there is no reason to be afraid of them. Their obstrusive, hey-look-at-me presence is just a way to cover-up the massive insecurities that come with living a bubble; albeit a large bubble, but a bubble nonetheless. Learning that they do not in fact actually live in the center of the universe is a hard pill for them to swallow. Truth is they are intimidated by you. And for crying out loud, it makes no sense to be afraid of something that is afraid of you. Now get a grip before I pop a blood vessel.

Snakes.
Oh, how original. Congratulations Indiana Jones, you’re boring. Let me guess, you’re afraid of spiders and mice too. What you should be afraid of is taking a long hard look in the mirror and realizing you’ve made it this far without thinking for yourself. Christ, find your own fear already. You make me so angry I could poop a hemorrhoid.

If everyone could just stop being a bunch of pussies that would be great.

2 comments:

  1. how about this, FUCK YOU.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Huh, so J-Sho is now Nike swoosh....hmmm that's some repressed anger.

    ReplyDelete