Shape Up That Appearance
First of all, your hair sucks. What is that orangish-greenish-yellow color, Toxic Urine? Did some speed freak you’re squatting with piss on your head? Change it immediately, please. Since
Get A Real Job
Oh, so you volunteer at Food Not Bombs, work part-time at an anarchist/DIY resource center/bookstore and sometimes at all-ages shows you man the distro table for your friends obscure Scandinavian crust label. Great. In English that's how we say my college loans from that unfinished philosophy degree are still in forbearance and hardworking taxpayers cover my EBT, health care and everything else. Fabulous, thanks for that, pal. You know how to use a computer, right? Corporate America calls, my friend. It’s time to earn your keep. Don’t think of it as selling out. Think of it as buying in. Speaking of buying in…
For Chrissakes, Lose The Bike
Now that you have some nice clothes and a job, buy a fucking car already. Yeah, you’re really sticking it to the man by not buying gas. Wrong! More like you’re really sticking it to is your knees with that ridiculous single speed/fixie . Besides, everyone rides a bike now. That shit aint punk no more. You know what’s punk? Driving a car. If you don’t believe me, just ask that dude Matt The Hat, from the Framed. He drives an Audi. I see him making love to it at the car wash by my house like once a week. And he’s like the most punk rock dude ever. Don’t get some decade-old used POS. Start making monthly payments on something new and nice. It doesn’t have to be an Audi, but, ya know, something like a hybrid or some shit that still makes you feel good about yourself. Also, you can’t fuck anybody in the back seat of a bicycle. Which leads me to...
Start A Family
So now you know the difference between seersucker and oxford and wayfarers and aviators and that you should never, ever, ever, EVER mix brown and black; and you have yourself a more respectable job downtown in your very own cubicle AND a new car. Well my friend, you better get a slicker because it's literally going to be raining sexual opportunity all over your new life. The urge is going to be to fuck as many as you can. But don't do that. Pick the best one, get married, move to the suburbs and start having babies.
It's never to late to live your life the way God intended.