8/3/10

"Up The Punx?" More like, "Grow Up, Punx."

Yesterday’s Totes Quotes is stuck in my craw…whatever the fuck that means. Srsly, who made that shit up? Stuck in my craw? GTFOutta here. Anyway, I was thinking about this whole quitting punk thing and about when I told my buddy how to survive post-20s life and that one time I told that kid to never change and you know what? Fuck all that noise. .No Future. Yeah, no shit. Punk was about progression, not stagnation. Being a 30-year old punk rocker is pretty silly. All you punk rock "lifers" need to grow up and start acting your age...

Shape Up That Appearance
First of all, your hair sucks. What is that orangish-greenish-yellow color, Toxic Urine? Did some speed freak you’re squatting with piss on your head? Change it immediately, please. Since 90% 99% of being a punk rocker is based on fashion, it makes sense that you’d want to experiment with your look a little. And I don’t mean edging it up. You got into punk at what age, 12-13...15 at the latest. You’re 30 now. That’s at least 15 years of edging it up. Are you seriously going to wear all black and safety pins and studs everyday for the rest of your life? What’s that patch you got there, Doom? Yeah, you’re doomed alright…if you keep dressing like you’re perpetually confined to the sartorial choices of a rebellious trust fund teenager. Stop reading zines and get yourself a subscription to GQ. It’s high time you learned the importance of a well-tailored pressed shirt and a good pair of loafers. You’re going to be borrowing grandma’s car to deliver pizzas for the rest of your life if you don’t learn how to shop for suits. (Tip: Unless you’re Jimmy Fallon, the widest part of your jacket lapel, shirt collar and tie should be approximately the same width.) And speaking of delivering pizzas…

Get A Real Job
Oh, so you volunteer at Food Not Bombs, work part-time at an anarchist/DIY resource center/bookstore and sometimes at all-ages shows you man the distro table for your friends obscure Scandinavian crust label. Great. In English that's how we say my college loans from that unfinished philosophy degree are still in forbearance and hardworking taxpayers cover my EBT, health care and everything else. Fabulous, thanks for that, pal. You know how to use a computer, right? Corporate America calls, my friend. It’s time to earn your keep. Don’t think of it as selling out. Think of it as buying in. Speaking of buying in…

For Chrissakes, Lose The Bike
Now that you have some nice clothes and a job, buy a fucking car already. Yeah, you’re really sticking it to the man by not buying gas. Wrong! More like you’re really sticking it to is your knees with that ridiculous single speed/fixie . Besides, everyone rides a bike now. That shit aint punk no more. You know what’s punk? Driving a car. If you don’t believe me, just ask that dude Matt The Hat, from the Framed. He drives an Audi. I see him making love to it at the car wash by my house like once a week. And he’s like the most punk rock dude ever. Don’t get some decade-old used POS. Start making monthly payments on something new and nice. It doesn’t have to be an Audi, but, ya know, something like a hybrid or some shit that still makes you feel good about yourself. Also, you can’t fuck anybody in the back seat of a bicycle. Which leads me to...

Start A Family
So now you know the difference between seersucker and oxford and wayfarers and aviators and that you should never, ever, ever, EVER mix brown and black; and you have yourself a more respectable job downtown in your very own cubicle AND a new car. Well my friend, you better get a slicker because it's literally going to be raining sexual opportunity all over your new life. The urge is going to be to fuck as many as you can. But don't do that. Pick the best one, get married, move to the suburbs and start having babies.

It's never to late to live your life the way God intended.

23 comments:

  1. I feel like this is part one of something greater to come...

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  2. This would be an effective troll piece if the last line wasn't a dead give away.

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  3. who's he trolling?August 3, 2010 at 6:36 PM

    Surprise surprise more self referencial pisstaking. I'm amazed at the relentless and unapologetic rehashing of the same material time and again all the while making it seem refreshingly new. How's that for backhanded compliments?

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  4. Its not that self-ref because NOBs never been a punk and to the best of my knowledge never owned a decent car. Bums a lot of rides though.....

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  5. Also who would he be trolling? I highly doubt any actual "punks" ever look at hot dog days. Its just frineds.

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  6. ^FRIENDS. we do follow HHD...and troll, just like you do, Anonymous 7:02. Now open your mouth, and I'll piss this 40 of Colt45 down your lame, "trolling", throught. now that is PUNK.

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  7. Troll schmoll. Shut up.

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  8. I always wondered that myself. Where did stuck in my craw come from?

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  9. This is complete and utter shit. Know who you are dude. Always by yourself at the shows. Yeah, know who you are. Just sayin.

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  10. Like to correct spelling do we? "...down your throught." FAIL! Throat,T H R O A T, throat. Also cap the n in "Now that is punk."

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  11. Anymous, schmonymous. No, you shut up.

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  12. Internet threats? Really? Looks like BNB got the desried reaction on this one. Consider yourself officially trolled!

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  13. Nice job. I know you're kidding around. Anon6:29 is right, the god thing sealed the deal...if you hadn't figured it out earlier. Either way, this was really good. I consider myself a punk. Like the guy from the tote q. Punk is such an overused and misused term. Especially by those that consider themselves "punks." Ever go to a show in a colored shirt? Talk about being an outcast. Not looking punk is the most punk thing you can do. True punks live it in the heart, not the mohawk and studded vest. Even though you're messing around, you have some really valid points. Growing up might not be a bad idea for some of thes so called punks. That is to say, acting like an adult and taking responsibility for yourself and your future is not a bad thing. I don't know about moving out to the suburbs though. Learn to fish and move to the country. Now that is PUNK. LOL. Seriously though, nic job.

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  14. it think that what bnb is tyring to tell us here is that his gf is preggers.

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  15. Making fun of people the way he does, he can't possibly have any friends. Thats probably why he's always alone at shows.

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  16. Actually fixed gear bikes are better for your knees if you know how to appropriate cadence. Candence gets thrown off if you're constantly switching through gears. And with a full set of gears and breaks, you're pushing a heavier bike, which is ultimately worse on your knees and hips.

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  17. @ @BNB

    yes punk is an overused term. by both you and your hero bnb. christ change the subject please.

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  18. Hey I found one of your Restore The Power booklets on the LRT the other day. It was just raw enough to pigue my curiosity to check out the website. I'm glad I did after reading this and the ensuing comments. Funny.

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  19. Homeboy isnt kidding on that pressed shirt thing. For a guy that used to wear a black t-shirt to every function, he rocks the shit out of a skinny tie these days. And he's the most punk dude I know. In the 22 plus years I've known him I've never met a dude that does more research and is fully dedicated to finding the shit you won't like and listening/talking about it and then you start liking it and he flips the script on you because it's not cool anymore. Aint nothing backhanded about this, just a straight up compliment. Dude's brilliant and you fuckers are lucky to get a peak inside.

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  20. ^talk about "the desired reaction." What a fag.

    It's obvious though from all the responses, the writing is where it's at.

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  21. You know what is not punk rock? Internet Memes. "Trolling" is like so 2006. And "Fail" is the "Troll" of 2008. Move on!

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  22. Anonymous 7:02 and @Senior Penis are the same person.

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