12/13/10

Dear BNB, The Human Pocket Pussy

Dear BNB,
I need dude advice, STAT. My friends-with-benies guy from Chicago actually made me feel kinda bad. I was asking him if he was gonna be home for the holidays. We determined that he would probably be gone by the time I got there since I'm kinda planning on staying up here for the weekend of Christmas, then going home for a couple days the week after.

He says, "I'll just hook up with one of your friends... it's all good"
To which I reply, "Ooooh, I suppose it would be only fair."
Then he says, "Well yeah! I cringe at what the scoreboard looks like."

I'm actually pretty upset. It half sounds like he legitimately feels something for me, which I didn't think he did. And I've only slept with one of his close friends. There's been a couple indiscretions with other of his acquaintances... I dunno. I just feel like he might as well have called me a slut. What should I do?
-Holiday In Handcuffs

Dear HIH,
I used to have sex with this one girl from Chicago all the time.  I wouldn't put her in the BBW category by any means but she probably bought some of her underwear at Lane Bryant, if ya know what I mean.  I never really liked making out with her because she smoked a pack a night every time she drank; and we were always hooking up post-bar.  I can still smell her Marb Lights-meets-Captain Coke breath every time I chew a piece of mint Stride.  (For some reason girls always think chewing gum somehow makes cig-breath better?)  For weeks (3 days in hooking-up years) I felt inadequate when we were fucking because she would never have orgasms.  I finally decided to do something about it.  One night while in missionary, I reached down between our slightly heavyset but still really good looking bodies and grabbed hold of her crotch.  I literally squeezed her clitoris and fleshy labia around my penis like it was a second condom.  I hesitantly asked her, "Is this okay?" 

To which she replied, "Oh, you know how to turn me on, don't you!" She screamed in Miss Nasty voice, "Fuck me!" 

Turns out she just had a really big pussy; and as a result, Flesh Glove was the only way to get some friction to the necessary places.  A little communication is all it took to figure it out.

It's no secret there is a double-standard in the slut universe of guys-n-girls.  Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't.  Either way, sounds like a typical guy being pissed because you've slept with more people than him.  But you won't know for sure unless you work on your communication skills.

Sorry, I'm not really sure how any of this pertains to your question. Truth is, I lost my train of thought when I threw in a piece of mint Stride as I sat down to answer this.
-BNB

7 comments:

  1. wow this is, well, im not really sure.

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  2. Oh look someone is trying to be funny.

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  3. PS, Flesh Glove as you call it, is an awesome move. I've used it several times on the ladies.

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  4. Chicago is all sausages and shitty neighborhoods. Forget the dude.

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  5. This can't be real...can it? Love it!

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  6. Really big pussy? Nah, you just have a really small dick.

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