Gift Idea Part III

If someone could be so kind as to send me a copy of Louder Than Bombs on vinyl, cassette or CD, that would be super wizard mind fuck sweet. Oh, I'll take a Starbucks gift card too so that I can get some Green Tea Lattes. Then I'll have all the fixins to make more minimalist/devoid of emotion/sarcastic/minimalist/evangelical/totally serious/minimalist (f)art like I did in two thousand and seven...or was it eight. I dunno cuz I try it all ya know. Like Jo, the unwed mother. Now don't you go saying you didn't get any gift ideas from me.


easy peasy.

no stress.

me wontin' ta peal dem caps back, bumbaclot.

bo, bo, bo.




Midwest Hell Fest set for May 13 & 14, Kimberly, WI

Guess where we'll be on May 13th and 14th? Kimberly, Wisconsin, that's where. Weird, right? Well no, not really; not when it's for something called Hell Fest that is both Midwestern and Punk.  And a poster with BULLET BELTS~!, come on, we really have no choice. No, srsly, look at this line-up. As my old roommate from college would say, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck...

The event is put together by Profane Existence, Wisconsin Pyrate Punx (?) and Hell On Earth Records. There are MySpace and Facebook pages and websites and whatnot that you can look up on your own. You can buy tix already through PayPal too.  So get on it!

Blew Monday: Into The Glow and Glow

Memory Lanes, Mpls, MN, 12/19/10


Weekly Top Ten 12/13-18/10

In a week full of diet-derailing holiday parties and cold-ass weather, we witnessed one of the greatest MMA moments ever, sent an old friend over-the-hill, got our crust on, and were able to find some jems amidst our rushed attempts to catch up on missed music and indy matches from the last year.  Here are a few of our favorites from this past week:

Dominic Cruz
Anthony Pettis' Ninja Kick (vs. Ben Henderson @WEC 53)
Mark Sultan-$-DL
Ty Segall-Melted-DL
Crystal Castles-II-DL
Kriegshog-Hardcore Hell ep-DL
Kriegshog-s/t lp-DL
Mean Dirty Killer's(aka Joe P's) B-Day @Memory Lanes, Mpls, MN
Chris Hero vs.Akira Tozawa @PWG Battle of LA '10-DVD
WAR//PLAGUE, Appalacian Terror Unit, RESIST and Warcollapse live @Triple Rock Social Club, Mpls, MN


The Ballad Of Bobby Heenan

Mpls, MN, Dec, '10


Gift Idea

I'm going Mod. This is the modern world. Revolutionary Dub Reggae Rollins Aggro Mod. Juskiddin'. But you can buy me a fishtail parka. Size large, prolly.


Dear BNB, The Human Pocket Pussy

Dear BNB,
I need dude advice, STAT. My friends-with-benies guy from Chicago actually made me feel kinda bad. I was asking him if he was gonna be home for the holidays. We determined that he would probably be gone by the time I got there since I'm kinda planning on staying up here for the weekend of Christmas, then going home for a couple days the week after.

He says, "I'll just hook up with one of your friends... it's all good"
To which I reply, "Ooooh, I suppose it would be only fair."
Then he says, "Well yeah! I cringe at what the scoreboard looks like."

I'm actually pretty upset. It half sounds like he legitimately feels something for me, which I didn't think he did. And I've only slept with one of his close friends. There's been a couple indiscretions with other of his acquaintances... I dunno. I just feel like he might as well have called me a slut. What should I do?
-Holiday In Handcuffs

Dear HIH,
I used to have sex with this one girl from Chicago all the time.  I wouldn't put her in the BBW category by any means but she probably bought some of her underwear at Lane Bryant, if ya know what I mean.  I never really liked making out with her because she smoked a pack a night every time she drank; and we were always hooking up post-bar.  I can still smell her Marb Lights-meets-Captain Coke breath every time I chew a piece of mint Stride.  (For some reason girls always think chewing gum somehow makes cig-breath better?)  For weeks (3 days in hooking-up years) I felt inadequate when we were fucking because she would never have orgasms.  I finally decided to do something about it.  One night while in missionary, I reached down between our slightly heavyset but still really good looking bodies and grabbed hold of her crotch.  I literally squeezed her clitoris and fleshy labia around my penis like it was a second condom.  I hesitantly asked her, "Is this okay?" 

To which she replied, "Oh, you know how to turn me on, don't you!" She screamed in Miss Nasty voice, "Fuck me!" 

Turns out she just had a really big pussy; and as a result, Flesh Glove was the only way to get some friction to the necessary places.  A little communication is all it took to figure it out.

It's no secret there is a double-standard in the slut universe of guys-n-girls.  Maybe he likes you, maybe he doesn't.  Either way, sounds like a typical guy being pissed because you've slept with more people than him.  But you won't know for sure unless you work on your communication skills.

Sorry, I'm not really sure how any of this pertains to your question. Truth is, I lost my train of thought when I threw in a piece of mint Stride as I sat down to answer this.

Blew Monday: $hovels


Weekly Top Ten 11/6-12/10

Ring Of Honor-8th Anniversary-DVD
Loren G's CD Club @Pizza Luce'-Seward, Mpls, MN
New Garage Explosion: In Love With These Times-garage punk/rock documentary
The Vice Guide to Everything-on MTV
The Girl Who Kicked The Hornets Nest-film
Krusteaz Fat Free Wild Blueberry Muffins
Georges St-Pierre
Josh Koschek (Hey, he lasted 5 rounds.)
Scott Pilgrim vs. The World-DVD
She's Out Of My League-DVD


Taco$, you mothers, tacos.

Costa Mesa, CA, 10/24/10

CeeBeez Artwork

Cover work for COCAINE BLUNTS, a mixtape I just finished for LG's Mix Club. If you want I'll make it available for DL or I can send you a CD copy via snail mail.


Dear World, That Smart Phone Makes You Look Dumb

I watched Mark Zuckerberg on 60 Minutes on Sunday. He wants the whole world to be Facebook. Think about that.  Three days before that I was sitting at the bar with two very fine folks that told me about something I missed out on because I wasn’t on Facebook. One of them said to me, “It’s time to give in or get left behind.” As I write this, approximately 50% of the world just status updated something about eating a good bagel or being sick of homework. I tell ya, Facebook is the Phillip Morris of the internets.  The gf told me that The Situation made 3 mil this year. The Situation. And people are surely disillusioned if they think Jay-Z, Kanye or Eminem made the best record in 2010. On top of that, my doctor—whose kind of hot (no homo)—got up close and personal with my privates yesterday. Of course it’s a million below zero outside, so my penis looked like a raisin on coke. Diablo Cody was on the Chelsea Lately panel, which reminded me that I’m not famous because I never left the Midwest. And that’s total bullshit because I’m a really good writer and an even better actor. Like, the fuckin’ best.

No srsly, can everyone please shut off their Twitter mobile updates. It’s really harshing my gig when we hang out.


Weekly Top Ten 11/29-12/5/10

Due Date-film
Sons Of Anarchy season finale
Terriers season finale
Tavarias Jackson
Sidney Rice
Adrian Peterson
Leslie Frazier
Vikings defense
Keeping the Dream Alive


Reality TV Killed the Video Star

Forgive the late slip but I just got around to reading this month-old article someone sent me on the evolution of MTV hipters (Link.  Warning: its on that whole annoying flip-a-page-every-paragraph-equals-more-hits/time-on-our-add ridden-website layout tip.)

Now, I can excuse the absence of Kurt Loder, as he was technically not a VJ, but the exclusion of Dave Kendall is a grave oversight.  Srsly now, ahhhh 120 Minutes, anyone?  OG motherfuckin' hipster VJ, bitches!

And Jim Shearer, like it or not, should be on the list, as he was the one playing videos on Subterranean (MTV2's 120 Minutes replacement) during the whole moppy hair emo explosion that drove the final nail in the hardcore coffin during the early '00s.  (PS-I will admit to liking this video/song when it first came out.  I trust you won't tell anyone.)

Oh, but what really bothers me most is not the article with it's shitty layout and omissions (lists are just a matter of opinion) but rather that yet again we are reminded...and I know it's been said ONE MILLION TIMES...that MTV does not play videos anymore!

I know everyone of us used to bitch about it when we had it ("They always show the same videos.") and as much as we secretly (or not so secretly) love the Jersey Shore, goddammit, would it be great to have some fucking music videos back in our lives.

There, now it's been said one million and one times.

Fuck it.

(Speaking of fucking it, did Kennedy ever end up losing her virginity?)