I'm So Uncool. Or, A Few Things I'm Supposed To Like But Don't.

Recently I was out for breakfast--a surprisingly good breakfast, considering the establishment(1)--where upon ordering the egg white omelet I heard the person sitting across me from me say, under her breath, "Oh, he's one of those guys that believes everything he reads."  I must admit, I was appalled.  First of all, I don't believe I've actually ever read anything about egg whites...other than a text messages from my trainer.(2)  And while, yes, I did physically use my eyes to transmit a signal to my brain, I hardly count that as "reading."  The reality of the situation is that, even though it would be considered a clean meal, the egg white omelet was the most appealing thing on the menu to me at that particular time.  Well, that and I had already planned to ingest a Quarter Pounder combo meal and Shamrock Shake from McDonald's(3) later that evening.  And secondly, text messages about the nutritional benefits of egg whites aside, I am not one of those guys that believes everything they read, or in a broader sense, hears about.  If I was, I'd probably think Radiohead was a great band.

Never before has such a middle-of-the-road nonthreatening group of crybabies had so much praise heaped upon them by jock-riding wordsmiths.  Despite what millions of "Rock Journalists" would have you believe, when it boils down to it, Radiohead is really only good at one thing: Making records that would cause you to fall asleep at the wheel, if you should be so stupid as to put on a Radiohead CD while operating a motorized vehicle.  I've never even listened to a Radiohead album in its entirety.  B-to-the-ORING.

The Goonies
The Goonies, or as fan's affectionately refer to it, just Goonies is an impossibly overrated film.  I'm all for nostalgia(4) but saying Goonies is a must-see flick is clearly a case of clouded judgement based on sentiment for the old days.  I watched this for the first and only time last year, at the insistence of my GF, and was bewildered by the blandness of a film I'd been told my whole life was like, "the best movie ever" or something.  Yeah, it's the best movie ever...for taking a nap to.  Snoozefest.(5)

Sushi (6)

Kurt Cobain/Nirvana
First of all: fuck junkies and fuck suicide.  OK, just had to get the out of my system.  There is no denying Nirvana was the proverbial foot-in-the-door alternative/grunge/sort of punk/whatever band of the 90s.  I was there and I got totally into all of it...except for Nirvana.  I just couldn't.  Everything Nirvana and Cobain did seemed completely contrived, purposeful and lacking in authenticity.  And most of all, it was just, well, really irritating.  So what if Nirvana was influential and paved the way.  Great.  Thank you so much for Courtney Love, mustard colored cardigans, Puddle of Mudd, and Jax Teller's haircut.(7)

(dis)Honorable Mention: The Beatles, Motorhead, old Soul and R&B music, Irvine Welsh novels, Jay-Z, video games, Facebook(8), and Twitter.


1-The Bad Waitress: aptly names, overtly kitsch and over-priced.  And for some strange reason every sandwich has to have spicy Dijon mustard on it...even the one that doesn't say so on the menu.
2-Team Viggity bitch!
3-Cheat Meal bitch!
4-Read this blog much?
5-Literally.  I fell asleep about 15 mins in.
6-I actually like Sushi.
7-I actually like Jax Teller's haircut.
8-I finally caved in and made a FB page.  The very first thing in my news feed was this:

Last night as #### was reading his Bible and going through a study with the kids, #### (3yo) was looking in his picture Bible and said, "Dad, my Bible has lots of Jesus." - It just made us smile.
 -####### and 11 others like this.
 -###### said: So sweet!! "Let the little children come unto me". What's not to smile about?

FB needs to create an DO NOT LIKE button.


  1. You're fucking trolling again.

  2. GTFO!! If you don't like Radiohead or effing NIRVANA go don't like music you iiiiiiiiiiiidiot!

  3. haha love the footnotes. this piece needs to be longer more things on the list in part too please!

  4. if there was a do not like button i would hit it now. :)

  5. LOL @ old soul and RnB. No shit!

  6. ya know he is rightMarch 7, 2011 at 9:46 AM

    Goonies isn't really that great. Either is Nirvana or Radiohead.

  7. Too short; wanted to read more. Do the honorable mentions next.

  8. If I'm not mistaken you have a mustard colored cardiagan too? You wore it to that one new year's party.