4/20/11

Stupid Shit At The Gym

The internets is literally full of people bitching about stupid shit at the gym.  If you don't believe me just Google stupid shit at the gym.  Hell, there is a 16 page thread on the F4W/WO message board that's been going on for over a year and a half.  It's called stupid shit at the gym.  Anyway, save an occasional post-workout rant to the gf, for the most part I've kept quiet about it.  But after a couple months of having to tolerate some fake-ass body builder/MMA guys "training" at the gym I frequent, I felt compelled to send the owners an email, begging for action to be taken.  And by posting it here, I am now one of the millions...and millions (whatup, Rock!) bitching on the internets about stupid shit at the gym.  Here's the email... 


Dear (large fitness chain w/24 hour access, 365 days a year),

I have been a member of (nearby location of said large fitness chain) for a few years now, but not until the last couple months have I noticed some outlandish behaviour from some other members of our beloved fitness center. Usually on week nights, between 8:30-10:30 and on weekends. I don't know these folks by name, but I'd be more than happy to come down and point out the actual offenders in person. Just let me know.  In the meantime, I would love if you guys could write up some gym etiquette rules. To save time, I have made an outline for you:

STUPID SHIT AT THE GYM

-Don’t, Under Any Circumstance, Drop Weights. I'm so happy for you—you can lift/push/pull all that weight. You're totally like, extreme, brah! You’re like, getting’ swollen, bro! GET SOME! But seriously, can you not fucking drop it/let it slam on to the floor, rack, etc. every time you're done with a set? I mean, I know you want to let everyone know how wicked awesome strong you are. But really, we just think you're a douche. You ever notice how everyone rolls their eyes whenever you walk by? Yeah, well, that's because of you. Believe me; we are counting down the minutes until you leave so we can all laugh at you. So keep that in mind. Also, I suspect it's too heavy if you can't control it long enough to gently set it down.

-Clean Up After Yourself. Put the shit back where you found it! If my grandma wants to come in and do bench press with just the bar, she shouldn't have to pull two 45 plates off each side in order to get started. Please return weights to the storage racks. And while we’re at it, for crying out loud, wipe your gross-ass slime off the bench, machine, etc.

-Keep Excessive Noise To Minimum. AKA-loud grunting, growling, huffing-n-puffing, and, believe it or not, singing. Again, great, you're, like, totally massive, brah—you sacrifice proper form in order to lift stupid-heavy weight. Must you scream at everyone in the gym about it? If getting us to notice you is your goal, relax, you can do so without groaning like you just shit your pants. After all, it’s hard to miss the guy in the distressed wife-beater and oversized basketball shorts. And please, for the sake of everyone around you, please, please, PLEASE stop singing. I’m not sure if you’re aware of this, but YOU HAVE HEADPHONES ON! This means that even though you can’t hear yourself, we can—even over the modest volume level of our own headphones. Yes, we realize that Jay Z or Metallica or some other generic pop music gets you all pumped up so that you can wreck your neck on those ridiculous behind-the-head lifts. But that doesn’t mean the rest of us want to hear your lousy rendition of an already god-awful song. Stop grunting and stop singing. This is not your bathroom, juice-head; please shut the fuck up already!

-No Shadow Boxing. Duh.

-Nathan

8 comments:

  1. (In French Canadian accent)
    Nathan, I am happy that you took a stand against stupid shit at the gym. I have trained twice a day, 7 days a week, for quite awhile now. Now I don't see as much stupid shit at the gym because I can afford to train privately, but back in the day I used to see so much stupid shit. Sometimes French Canadians can be even stupider than Americans.
    Don't forget to watch the UFC PPV next Saturday to see me annihilate Jake Shields.

    ReplyDelete
  2. what ever happened to Former "Fling"?April 21, 2011 at 2:02 PM

    A few years huh? Because it's not until lately that is shows. Ah the glory of anonmity. See if you can guess who......

    ReplyDelete
  3. @^ u r obviously Former "fling". and obviously still not OK with being the "former."

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  4. SHITCOCK (THE ORIGINAL)April 21, 2011 at 4:08 PM

    And you^^ are obviously a name thief.

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