Having a hard time putting this one into words, so fuck it, I’m just going to C&P an IM convo I had with a friend about it…
5:16 PM BNB
I’m trying to write about why I’m attracted to dykes
5:16 PM Friend
I am not attracted to them, they kind of freak me out.
5:17 PM BNB
well, not total dykes
like still cute
5:17 PM Friend
give me an example
5:17 PM BNB
5:18 PM Friend
5:18 PM BNB
ugh, hard to explain
now i think i have to change the heading
not mustache dykes
5:18 PM Friend
There was this person at the library conference I went to last Fri that I thought was a guy but it was a girl
5:18 PM BNB
yeah, no thanks
i like to know they are girls
and that they are not trying to be men
but if they are lesbians that’s ok
do you know what i mean?
short hair, running shoes, a little muscular but not too defined
5:20 PM Friend
I never knew you had a thing for that
5:22 PM BNB
but not like whatsername in that movie
you know the one
5:25 PM Friend
5:26 PM BNB
5:26 PM Friend
Boys Don't Dry I think was the name of it
5:27 PM BNB
yeah, she's gross. I think she actually is a man.
5:27 PM Friend
yes, she does have a lot of masculine tendencies
I'm kind of pissed that she's won 2 Oscars
5:28 PM BNB
I would rather have sex with RuPual...when he dresses like a man.
5:28 PM Friend
He's been on Watch What Happens Live as a man a couple of times
5:29 PM BNB
that show is kind of gay
maybe i should just c&p this for my piece?
5:29 PM Friend
That would be boring
So, ah, yeah, sorry about that. Let's continue, shall we...
Hippie Music Festivals
If you’re a young person (or an older person who’s not self-conscious about hanging out with young people) who likes drugs and easy hookups, there is perhaps no better place to indulge in both than a hippie music festival. Of course you’ll have to lower your standards a bit because we’re talking about dirty, mind-altered, camping sex here. Guys, you’re looking for the barefoot girl with a scab on her chin from taking an opium-induced digger the night before. Girls, the guy you would never talk to IRL—the one with the stinky beard and white guy dreads; he’s all yours. Once you’re at it, don’t get distracted trying to figure out which one of you it is that’s stinking up the tent. Neither of you have been able to properly wipe your ass since the honey buckets ran out of TP on Friday night. It’s both of you…and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is the mushrooms and E that brought you to this point. So feel the rhythm of the all-night bongo jam going on outside these nylon walls and just go with it… Sorry, think I had flashback right there. What I’m trying to say is this: If you set your ears to tune-out-this-gawd-awful-music mode and don’t mind being eye-raped by corduroy patch pants for a weekend, a hippie music festival can be really fun.
‘80s Glam Metal
Also known as Hair Metal, Cock Rock, Butt Rock, Sleaze Rock, Sleaze Metal, Swashbuckling Pirate Metal, and One Naked Chick Sucks Your Dick While You Shoot H Or Sniff Blow And Two Other Naked Chicks Dance In Front Of You Metal. If you’ve ever heard me DJ a party (AKA sat on my couch, drunk and stoned at 3AM, forced against your will to listen to my records) you’ve no doubt been subjected to my unique mix of crust punk, reggae and ‘80s GLAM METAL. Whether it’s my friend Cheeseman asking me why I dropped a bill on the Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls stadium tour, Doomgoblin wondering why I would risk ruining an otherwise stellar mixtape by putting Smashed Gladys on it, or my mother perplexed by the plethora of pin-ups on my bedroom wall featuring teased-hair lead singers who stuff their spandex’d crotch with tube socks and tennis balls, I give them the same answer: It’s because I love Rock & Roll and everything that it stands for—crashing expensive sports cars, trading venereal diseases with strippers, and drinking Jack straight from the bottle. Bonermania!
*You know I just throw shit in here like this because I can’t get over how awesome I am, right?