5/6/11

RE: I'm So Uncool: More Things I Like...Or, Stuff That Gives Me A Boner-Which Is Kind Of Weird

Welcome to the fourth installment of our ongoing series, I'm So Uncool, where we discuss things we like that we're not supposed to, things we're supposed to like but don't, things we're not sure if were supposed to like but do anyway, and...well, you're not dumb, you get it.  Catch up here: Part 1, 2 and 3.  Anyone can play along.  In fact, we are officially issuing a challenge:  Send your list to RE: I'm So Uncool at thee.n.o.b@gmail.com and we'll post it here. 

Take it away, BNB...

                                                           Skinhead Style
For the purposes of this article Skinhead Style also includes that of Hard Mod, Smart Skin, Rude Boy, Suedehead and a handful of others that—unless you so badly craved inclusion in a subculture that you would go to great lengths to be identified as such by the intricate sartorial details of what is essentially a uniform—you could not possibly give a shit about. When it comes to punk rock, I prefer the extremities of d-beat/crust/thrash/skate-core etc. to the goofy “workin’ man” sing-alongs of today’s Street Punk. I mean, I certainly enjoy some of it—mostly stuff from the ‘70s and ‘80s; back when it was called “Oi!” (Nothing gets me over the mid-week hump more than playing Cock Sparrer’s Shock Troops or the ’81 comp A Country Fit For Heroes on the bike ride home from work.*) But for the most part skinhead rock is not really my thing. When it comes to fashion though, I have mad admiration for skinhead style. Aside from tucking in their tee shirts and short sleeves (Mormon door-knocker, anyone?) and bleached tie-dye jeans, skinheads have style dialed—Ben Sherman, Fred Perry, flight jackets, slim Levis, suspenders/braces, Doc Martens, Harrington jackets, v-neck sweaters, scally caps, the occasional fish-tail parka, etc. I get a boner for a sharp dressed man. Did I just say that? Well, then I may as well go ahead with this one…

Dykes Dykish Lesbians Dykish Lesbians and/or Tomboys
Having a hard time putting this one into words, so fuck it, I’m just going to C&P an IM convo I had with a friend about it…

5:16 PM BNB
I’m trying to write about why I’m attracted to dykes

5:16 PM Friend
you are?
gross
I am not attracted to them, they kind of freak me out.

5:17 PM BNB
well, not total dykes
just dykish
dykish lesbians
like still cute

5:17 PM Friend
give me an example

5:17 PM BNB
like....hmmmm....
tomboys

5:18 PM Friend
ok

5:18 PM BNB
ugh, hard to explain
now i think i have to change the heading
not mustache dykes

5:18 PM Friend
There was this person at the library conference I went to last Fri that I thought was a guy but it was a girl

5:18 PM BNB
yeah, no thanks
i like to know they are girls
and that they are not trying to be men
but if they are lesbians that’s ok
do you know what i mean?
short hair, running shoes, a little muscular but not too defined

5:20 PM Friend
yes
I never knew you had a thing for that

5:22 PM BNB
i do
kind of like that girl that was on ANTM several "cycles" ago
but not like whatsername in that movie
you know the one

5:25 PM Friend
yes

5:26 PM BNB
hilary swank?

5:26 PM Friend
yep
Boys Don't Dry I think was the name of it

5:27 PM BNB
yeah, she's gross. I think she actually is a man.

5:27 PM Friend
yes, she does have a lot of masculine tendencies
I'm kind of pissed that she's won 2 Oscars

5:28 PM BNB
I would rather have sex with RuPual...when he dresses like a man.

5:28 PM Friend
nice
He's been on Watch What Happens Live as a man a couple of times

5:29 PM BNB
that show is kind of gay
maybe i should just c&p this for my piece?

5:29 PM Friend
That would be boring

So, ah, yeah, sorry about that.  Let's continue, shall we...

Hippie Music Festivals
If you’re a young person (or an older person who’s not self-conscious about hanging out with young people) who likes drugs and easy hookups, there is perhaps no better place to indulge in both than a hippie music festival. Of course you’ll have to lower your standards a bit because we’re talking about dirty, mind-altered, camping sex here. Guys, you’re looking for the barefoot girl with a scab on her chin from taking an opium-induced digger the night before. Girls, the guy you would never talk to IRL—the one with the stinky beard and white guy dreads; he’s all yours. Once you’re at it, don’t get distracted trying to figure out which one of you it is that’s stinking up the tent. Neither of you have been able to properly wipe your ass since the honey buckets ran out of TP on Friday night. It’s both of you…and it doesn’t matter. All that matters is the mushrooms and E that brought you to this point. So feel the rhythm of the all-night bongo jam going on outside these nylon walls and just go with it… Sorry, think I had flashback right there. What I’m trying to say is this: If you set your ears to tune-out-this-gawd-awful-music mode and don’t mind being eye-raped by corduroy patch pants for a weekend, a hippie music festival can be really fun.

‘80s Glam Metal
Also known as Hair Metal, Cock Rock, Butt Rock, Sleaze Rock, Sleaze Metal, Swashbuckling Pirate Metal, and One Naked Chick Sucks Your Dick While You Shoot H Or Sniff Blow And Two Other Naked Chicks Dance In Front Of You Metal. If you’ve ever heard me DJ a party (AKA sat on my couch, drunk and stoned at 3AM, forced against your will to listen to my records) you’ve no doubt been subjected to my unique mix of crust punk, reggae and ‘80s GLAM METAL. Whether it’s my friend Cheeseman asking me why I dropped a bill on the Motley Crue/Poison/New York Dolls stadium tour, Doomgoblin wondering why I would risk ruining an otherwise stellar mixtape by putting Smashed Gladys on it, or my mother perplexed by the plethora of pin-ups on my bedroom wall featuring teased-hair lead singers who stuff their spandex’d crotch with tube socks and tennis balls, I give them the same answer: It’s because I love Rock & Roll and everything that it stands for—crashing expensive sports cars, trading venereal diseases with strippers, and drinking Jack straight from the bottle.  Bonermania!

-BNB

*You know I just throw shit in here like this because I can’t get over how awesome I am, right?

17 comments:

  1. Fucking sweet piece man. I am inspired to write one of these......

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  2. What, you couldn't find a way to mention crust punk a third time in this "article"?

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  3. So thas what the problem was i dint look like a lesbian enough four you lolz. oh nathen some ppl never grwo up haha.

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  4. too funny my man. the girl from antm is kim stols and she is def bonermania!!! ps-i will do one of these now too.

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  5. Before I read anything on HDD I scroll down to the comments to see if it's worth it. The flawless F"F" impersonation and the comment calling BNB out about crust punk have sealed the deal. I will now read this even if it is TLDR.

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  6. Lars The HeathenMay 6, 2011 at 10:40 AM

    All of this is great but the part about hippie music festivals is spot on. I'll give a you a quick summary of an incident that took place one time I was dragged kicking and screaming to Harvest Fest at Harmony Park. It goes a little something like this... the chick had an an open wound on her chin but it didn't stop me from burying my cock deep within the confines of her unwashed anus.

    Suck it,
    LTH

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  7. ^^Lars The Heathen FTW!

    "BNB", You're use of internet shorthand (i.e. "IRL") and the fact that you pasted in an entire IM conversation rather than working through your road block with a writing exercise, exposes you even further as the novice we all suspect you are. A writer, you are not. So just stop trying. Stick to taking photos of vandalism and making mediocre mix tapes. That's what you're good at. Sort of.

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  8. Lars The HeathenMay 6, 2011 at 10:56 AM

    Fuck you Anon/\/\ I don't need you're praise. An enemy of a freind (and BNB is a good one) is an enemy of mine. I will slit your baby sister's throat and fuck her dead corpse on your mother's front lawn in broad daylight and not give a second thought to it. Go teach an English class and finger your butthole you miserable cunt!

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  9. @Lars

    Maybe you'd like to sit in on my English class on the day we discuss the proper form of your/you're. You might learn something. Also, you might want to consider checking yourself into some sort of institution to work through those psychotic visions you're having.

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  10. Lars The HeathenMay 6, 2011 at 11:07 AM

    @Anon
    OK smartass, why don't you write one of these for HDD and we will see how well it's received. Until then....

    Blow me,
    LTH

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  11. Lars sort of got served.

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  12. @shitcock, why--because he doesnt masturbate to a dictionary like anon?

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  13. Hey look everybody Anders made a funny!

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  14. Anders is the worst. If you've ever looked at his Tumblr its obv he longs for the taste of BNB cock in the back of his throat.

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  15. The 80s were the best man. #glammetal

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  16. For the record, One Naked Chick Sucks Your Dick While You Shoot H Or Sniff Blow And Two Other Naked Chicks Dance In Front Of You Metal is my favorite kind of metal.

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