Three Fun But Kind Of Assholish Ways To Spice Up Your Life

A girlfriend of mine Facebooked me the other day, telling me how bored she is with her life.  She said feels like she's in a rut and could really use some help getting out of it.   She asked meconfirmed know-it-all and Internet-advice-giverif I had any suggestions to shake things up a bit.  I'm always up for a challenge!  I told her, "First, get off Facebook, and secondly, try any of the following 'three fun but kind of assholish ways to spice up your life'"...  

Be Staunchly Anti-Something For No Reason Whatsoever
Pick a couple of things, decide not to like them, and then tell everyone. But be very careful not to have any specific reasons for the-not-liking-of said things. The point is not to have a valid argument for why you’re anti—it’s to be anti for no good reason. Also, an important key to being anti is to use The Anti®—that is, actually saying the words “I am anti-(something.)” Like, “I’m anti-Art-A-Whirl.” Save the “I just don’t like Art-A-Whirl” and “I’m not really into Art-A-Whirl” for the follow up to The Anti®. Inevitably you will be asked why you’re anti. Just reply something like, “Eh, no reason. I’m just anti-Art-A-Whirl.” (I’m actually anti-Art-A-Whirl myself. So I can tell you from experience that using The Anti® on someone who is pro-Art-A-Whirl will drive them crazy. Especially when you have no logic for why you’re anti, which is the point I’m trying to make here. I have several friends that have work in Art-A-Whirl, I’m an artist myself, I don’t mind hipsters, and I don’t really have anything against Nordeast*, yet I’m anti-Art-A-Whirl. No reason, I just am.) But be forewarned, when using The Anti® there is a strong chance a casual conversation will take an ugly turn. Be careful not to get caught up in this, lest you make bold statements that you will have no evidence to back up. Be ardent in your anti but be smart—you’re just anti. That is all.

Write Graffiti
I’m not talking about pieces or burners or even throw-ups—that’s for artists. I’m talking something the everyman can do—carelessly scrawled tags. Think of something that would intrigue, confuse and/or make you laugh if you saw it written somewhere that it’s not supposed to be, and then start writing it somewhere it’s not supposed to be. Don’t hit up private property like, cars, small businesses, or where people live and shit—that shits fucked up ya’ll. Do hit up public restrooms, dumpsters, bus shelters, electrical boxes, discarded appliances and mattresses, etc. I have a mini panic attack every time I see “Take Your Secrets to the Grave.” What the fuck is that? You know that chick could probably use therapy. Get a Markal B and exercise your own demons. Instead of writing “Fuck You” or “Eat Shit,” use the wrong vowel like a little kid would do and write “Fack You” or Eat Shat”—the more stupid, humorous and/or nonsensical the better. Some of my favorite tags of the last decade here in the TC are the Krink’d "At Symbol"—“@” and the crudely etched “Lick Nuts.” I mean, how funny is that? Think about that person giggling to themselves every time they write that shit. That could be you.

Consistently Be a Dick to an Undeserving Person 
You should always have at least one person in your life that you can be a dick to on a regular basis. It can be anyone really, and for any reason. Now, just so we are clear; I’m not talking about bullying or making people cry or some bullshit like that— nor am I talking about going out of your way to ruin someone’s life. Keep it simple and light. Find someone you think it would be fun to pull some dick moves on and commit to it. I started my current job amidst a tumultuous time in the company—there were lots of ill feelings and a high turnover rate. The music industry is like women—everyone secretly hates everyone else. So that didn’t help much either. Several people held FNG status against me and therefore would not give me the time of day.  And I’m literally one of the nicest people you could ever have the pleasure of working alongside of. Anyway, eventually people realized I’m a co-workers wet dream and they all came around. But I decided there was one guy that I was going to consistently be a dick to. (Not because he was an exceptional asshole that I couldn’t forgive or anything like that—in fact, I don’t even really recall him being any different than the other guys that wouldn’t talk to me. If I had to pick a reason, I suppose it would be that he still sports a ‘90s alt haircut.) I chose this guy pretty much at random. And the way in which I am a dick to him is simple; I pretend he doesn’t exist. The rules to this dick game are easy: I never recognize his presenceI don’t look at him, and under no circumstances whatsoever, do I ever, ever, EVER speak to him. My favorites are group settings in the break room, where I will talk to everyone but him, never acknowledging his company or his contribution to the discussion. I also have several opportunities to ice him outside of work, as we live in the same neighborhood and ride the same train. On multiple occasions he’s tried to say hello, but not once have I returned as much as a curt nod. You see, I’m not fucking up this guy’s shit—he’s not going to commit suicide or walk into a school and kill a bunch of kids because or anything because I won't say hi to him. But I guarantee he thinks I’m a dick.   


*Ok, maybe I'm a little anti-Nordeast.


  1. music industry? what is your job i wan to know? good stuff as always my man.

  2. like me, dick head.

  3. This week in "how to unlearn everything I just taught my kids"..... ;)

  4. lol dude, the 90s alt haircut gave it away. even if yr mpls readers aren't familiar with yr workplace, there's gotta only be like, 4 guys in the city rockin that do.
    on point #2, i've drunkenly drawn a pikachu and written "name your pokemon rival 'butt'" in somewhere upwards of 5 bar bathrooms.

  5. All three are pretty much on point. Clever man, you.