HDD Summer Series #1
How to Avoid The Summer Bummer
What this basically equates to is "How To Ensure Your Sex Organs Get Some Attention This Summer Because Anything Else Would Certainly Be A Bummer." Since there really are no rules to summer, think of these more as guidelines...
Clothes: Keep 'Em Simple
Don't get all carried away tyring to look fashionable. Scott Seekins can get away it because it's his gimmick. But not you. You don't have a gimmick, you have a mission: have as much fun as you can and get laid. It's summer; everyone's fuck-me-right-now levels have been skyrocketing since spring. Provided you have a little bit of a tan (more on this later) you can pretty much wear whatever you want without spoiling your chances of getting some penis, vagina, anus or whatever your personal preference might be. Besides, summer is about comfort. All guys need are a few old t-shirts and a pair of cutoffs. (At this point it should go without saying--no more cargo shorts! It's 2011 guys, come on.) As usual, gals have so many more options than men. However, summer is not necessarily a time to exercise them. Less is more--skirts, sundresses and short-shorts. Show some leg, ladies! Summer fashion is not rocket science. Note to everyone: save the flip flops and sandals for chilling in your backyard, the cabin, lake, beach etc. When you're in the city you wear shoes. Duh.
Working Out and/or Dieting: Scale It Back
This one might come as a surprise. But seriously, getting a little soft in the summer months is totally natural. There's a plethora of barbecue, beer, and ice cream to attend to. If you're doing summer the right way, you're over-indulging on all of them on a regular basis. We're not saying to skip exercise altogether. You can do push-ups, crunches, Hindu squats and all types of stuff outside. Get your cardio by shooting hoops, kicking around the soccer ball, skateboarding, cycling, paddle-boarding, jogging, or whatever. Save gym visits for after sundown and rainy days. If you miss a workout or two...or three or four even, don't freak about it. There are plenty of cold, snowy, miserable months just around the corner to spend getting in shape. Don't waste your summer worrying about your body. Besides, if you follow the next step, your beer gut won't really matter...
Tans: Get One.
There are two types of people that can make pale skin look sexy: goths and red-heads. If you fall into either of these categories, you're allowed to skip this section. (Although it's not totally recommended. It is summer after all.) Now, just so we're clear; do not go for the Darque Tan-orange-spray-on look. Rather just a little natural sun. You know how people say "get some color"? That's all were talking about here. Yes, too much sun is bad for you. But no sun at all is your enemy. It's not only bad for you but bad for anyone that has to a, look at you, and b, deal with your depression issues because you have no vitamin-D in your life. Sunscreen exits for a reason. Use it. Fact: A tan makes you look 10 lbs. lighter. Fact: A tan will increase your chances of getting a piece of ass by 87%.
Hygiene: Embrace Your Inner Dirtbag
Summer is like, hot, ya'know. Naturally you're going to sweat a little. If you're doing anything physical whatsoever (biking to work, skating to the post-work beer party, having sex under a blanket at Lake of the Isles with someone you met at the beer party, etc.) you're going to be stirring up dust. Dust which will cling to your moist body like a St. Paul Midway drunk clings to a cheap pack of smokes. Invest in some wet wipes. Feeling dirty? Wipe down. The gf calls it a "Jewish Shower." I call it a "Whore's Bath." (She's a Jew and I'm a recovering whore, so we have license to make these jokes.) The nice thing about wet wipes is that you can buy them in travel size packages that fit nicely in your bag, glove compartment, back pocket, desk drawer at work, or anywhere the opportunity of cunnilingus, fellatio and/or fornication might present itself. If you have some wet wipes near you, you're always just a few swipes away from fresh sex.
10 Things We Love About Summer
A quick list of things we are looking forward to in the coming months. In no particular order...
1. Mpls/St. Pl Block Parties- Live music, backpacking your own beers in, people-watching, and making fun of that annoying Foxy Tan chick or the pathetic Drinking With Ian guy.
2. Small Town and/or Suburban Street Dances- Two words: BEER TENT! Also, feeling superior to the locals and having license to act like an ass because nobody knows who you are.
3. Waffle Cones- I C E C R E A M Booyah!
4. Riding Your Bike Everywhere- Duh.
5. Brainless Movies- Whether it's a muggy 100+ day or a rain-out, going to the theater for an air-conditioned marathon of mindless super hero movies and bad popcorn is a great way to salvage it.
6. Hardcore Matinees- There a ton of great punk shows every summer. And the nice thing is, they are usually done early enough that you can still get your late-night-party on.
7. Bratwurst- Grilled encased meats, fuck yeah! What's not to love?!
8. Lakes- Minnesota has 10,000 of them, but in a weird twist of math, the Twin Cities has like, a million. When you run out of wet wipes, jump in the lake.
9. No Socks- Only retards wear socks in the summer. We mean that it the nicest, least-offensive way possible, btw.
10. Can we say Block Parties or Street Dances again?
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