6/26/11

How To Win A Dwarves Contest

from: chili cheese bnb@hotdogdayz.com
to: contests@(shitty music website).com
date: Wed, Mar 9, 2011 at 4:51 PM
subject: Dwarves Contest

I know you're hoping to get some lengthy, purposefully ironic diatribe about why I should win the contest. But fuck that. I'm old and I don't have the time. I've been a Dwarves fan forever. The first time I saw them was way, way, way back in the day in Minneapolis at a place that doesn't exist anymore (Uptown Cafe). Blag jumped off stage mid-set, ran over to the bar, where a heavyset man was sitting--the same heavyset man that had been heckling the band all night--grabbed the guy's beer glass and smashed him over the head with it. Blood everywhere. Okay, that's totally bullshit. I mean that happened...to some extent. I may have taken some liberties (I don't think the guy was heavyset)...but I wasn't actually there. My friend Lars The Heathen was. The first time I actually saw the Dwarves was years after that when they were on some shitty Epitaph package tour (that 20-something me didn't think was that shitty at the time) with Dropkick Murphys and others. At the time the the Dropkicks still had some real, live, actual skinheads come to the shows. Blag was taunting them during the whole Dwarves set, "Come on faggots, I want to see some skinhead violence!" And eventually he got what he wished for...which was great for everyone else because the skinheads got kicked out and the rest of us were able to enjoy the show. So, yeah, like I said: fuck that; I'm not going to write some lengthy, purposefully ironic diatribe about why I should win the contest. The truth is I won't buy the shit either way, but I want it...So you should just give it to me. Thanks in advance.

-BNB
2011 Winner of the (Shitty Music Website) Dwarves Contest


from: Contests
to: chili cheese
date: Tue, Mar 29, 2011 at 9:56 PM
subject: Re: Dwarves Contest

Congratulations!!!
You've won a Dwarves set! All I need from you is

Name:
Street Address:
City, State, Zip Code:

Thanks,
Candy

from: chili cheese 
to: Contests
date: Wed, Mar 30, 2011 at 9:25 AM
subject: Re: Dwarves Contest

Yeah Candy, like I said, I knew I would. I mean, how could I not, amirite?

-BNB


from: Contests
to: chili cheese
date: Thu, Mar 31, 2011 at 11:58 PM
subject: Re: Dwarves Contest

Haha, no problem. Yours was by far the best entry.  All I need now is your address and I will mail it right out.

-Candy

from: chili cheese
to: Contests
date: Wed, Apr, 3, 2011 at 9:25 AM
subject: Re: Dwarves Contest

Candy,
How about instead of mailing it to me, you take it into Travis' office, turn that sumbitch sideways, shine it up real nice, and shove it straight up his rudy-poo candy ass.  No offense to you personally--I know you're probably just interning there--but that dude is a grade-A fucko, who thinks he's far more entertaining than he actually is.  I don't want anything mailed to me from his shitty music website, nor will I ever look at it again.  Besides, Blag already sent me the new Dwarves CD for my own, far-superior blog, HotDogDayz.
Love,
-BNB

3 comments:

  1. Oh the irony here......it burns my eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. BNB is to aging punks as gavin mcinnis is to aging hipsters.

    ReplyDelete
  3. What is point of posting this here? It kind of makes you look like a sad old man.

    ReplyDelete