5/18/12

Scene Report: Bat in the House w/Cock & Balls.

So the gf sent me into the bedroom to grab something off the dresser and right when I went to grab said thing, I was like, whooooa, that IS NOT a dead leaf sitting in the window sill.  The window sill is just above the dresser, btw, and the cat is always dragging dead leaves and shit into the house, what with her long-ass shaggy hair and all.  Anywhodunnit, as I was saying...

I was like, whooooa, that IS NOT a leaf sitting in the window sill, that IS a fucking chiropteran motherfucker!  I can see it is still breathing, so I'm like, oh shit that chriropteran motherfucker is still alive!  Now, I'm not afraid of bats, but I know the gf is and I don't know how to tell her we gots one of these mofos sitting in our window sill right about now.  So, I'm like, ahhh honey, we gots a sitchy right here that we gots to deal wit.  She's like, "whaaaat do you mean?"  So I decide to just come out with it, and am like, well there is a bat sitting in the window sill.  She fuhh-reaks-the-fuck-out and starts like crying and shit.  "Are you going to kill it?"  Ah, no.  No, I am not going to kill this chiropteran motherfucker.  I killed a bat once and it's scream was enough to make me wish it was me that had been killed.  It was in my old apartment in Steven's Square.  I dropped a brick on this bat's head and then stepped on it. Shreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeak!  NEVER AGAIN WILL I KILL A BAT!  Anyhoudini, as I was saying...  

She's wondering if I am going to kill this mofo and crying and shit.  I was like, relax, I know a trick.  I grabbed a towel, got that sucker wet, and tossed it over the bat.  Then I scooped it up and took it outside, where I shook the towel, assuming the bat would fly off.  It's an old trick I learned once at First Avenue back in the day when there was a bat flying around the women's bathroom.  Some chick was like, "Just throw a wet towel over it so it can't fly, duh."  My friend Matt and I did it once in his old apartment in Stevens too.  I tell ya, Stevens was lousy with bats up in that bitch.  Anywhosery, as I was saying...

I was hoping the bat would have just flown away but it didn't.  It just fell to the ground and was panting hard.  I was like, oh shit, the cat is going to get into this chiropteran motherfucker if I don't do something about it.  So I used a shovel to gently scoop it up and set it on top of the roof of the garage, hoping it would get it's bearings back and fly away upon nightfall.  I checked on it periodically throughout the day and evening but the dude wouldn't move.  I could see that he was still breathing though, so I had hope. The cool thing is that through all this the gf started to pull for the little fella too, always asking "How's the bat doing?" And saying "I hope it lives" and shit.  She was genuinely concerned for this poor chiropteran motherfucker.  It reminded me of the time when we were first dating and I taught her to cuddle.  True story--she was not a cuddler.  She had this tough exterior like, "I don't need dudes.  I don't cuddle with nobody."  She also didn't like cats.  Now she's all like the cat's mom and shit.  So I taught her to cuddle and to like cats.  Anywhosers, as I was saying...  

So now we are both hoping this bat doesn't' die.  Well, I'll just jump to the end here...it died.  I found it the next morning on top of the garage right where I had put it, and it wasn't breathing anymore.  Honestly, I think I knew this was coming because one of the last times I had checked on the chiropteran motherfucker, I think I saw it take it's final breath--It was a big exhale, and then his body sort of just collapsed.  I didn't want to believe it when it happened but I think that was it.  At least there was no scream like with the brick-to-the-dome bat back in Stevens.  We were hoping this guy would make it but he didn't.  The cool thing is, in the interest of science I took some pics of it after it had passed on, as is my wont, and discovered something that I never knew before: BATS HAVE PENISES.  Testes and penises to be exact.  In the interest of full disclosure, I must admit, I used a stick to poke the bat in the dong.  Weird, I know right.  The gf thinks I have some sort of psycho disorder now.  But I think she just watches too much Criminal Minds.  

So there is the story of the bat with cock and balls that was in our house.  RIP little penis and balls-having bat.  The end.
 
chiropteran motherfucker, still alive, post wet towel trick

dead

deader

most deadest, but with exceptional cock & balls

7 comments:

  1. you're a fucking jack off. and a terrible wirter.

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    Replies
    1. The Ghost of Fresman CompMay 18, 2012 at 12:58 PM

      But is he a good writer?

      Delete
  2. Nice story; nice pics. Penises, eh? Never knew.

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  3. your a faggot, you faggot.

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  4. Made me laugh. Thank you!

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  5. best short story ever. the part about teaching the gf to cuddle and like cats adds depth to the main character. i also like the tone of this piece. well done, dude!

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  6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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