A Fantasy Football Rookie's Journal:
Let the Fun & Games Begin: a Effortless Approach to Trolling. Also, the Other Teams Are Named: Kinda Lame.
By Nathan G. O'Brien exclusively for HotDogDayz
Dated: August 24th, 2012
Well it’s official; the league is set. The name of the league—which I will henceforth refer to as The League(1)—has the quarterback call “3—19” in it, which I’m fairly certain is a Green Bay Packers call. I know Brett Favre used to use it, and now Aaron “Discount Doublechoke” Rodgers uses it. This should come as no surprise whatsoever, as I mentioned in my first post that all nine of the other players in the league are rural Wisconsin residents. Whatever, I’ll let it pass, as some battles are not worth fighting. That’s why, aside from the “Doublechoke” joke I just made about Rodgers, I’ll most likely refrain from exchanging insults with these guys as it regards to Vikings/Packers beef; instead keeping it all within the realm of, ah, fantasy. As someone who lives in a city that is seemingly as populated with Packer Backers as it is Vikings fans, its maddening having to put up with incessant unprovoked trash talking all season. I prefer to keep my mouth shut until the end of the season and see who has that last laugh. Like last year—even though the Vikings didn’t have a great season, when the Packers lost in the playoffs, we all sort of won. Skol Vikings for motherfucking life! The end. OK, now back to the topic at hand…
As I was saying, The League is set. And here are all of the team names, followed by brief commentary courtesy of yours truly:
Team McConnell (Boring.)
Village Idiots (Eh, whatever. Probably vindictive of rural WI as a whole.)
Off Constantly (I bet he is.)
Becky’s Landing Strip (I’m assuming Becky is the wife/GF of one of the other dudes and this is a shot at him. I can totally get behind this…that’s what she said.)
Team 5 (Wow, creative.)
Amish Rake Fighters (A reference to an Internet "sensation" circa '06. Edgy.)
My Sugalumps (A reference to Flight of the Conchords circa '09. Whatevs, at least it’s something without “team” or a last name in it. And with that, we have…)
Team Dundus (Please see Team McConnell)
Lil Young Black Teens With Guns (Hey—that’s me! Where my real Gs at!)
Ching Chime (Can’t tell if this is racist or not. Wait, does asking that question make me a racist? Oh, never mind(2))
Via more emails, the trash talking has started already and the draft isn’t until tomorrow. The Commish started by calling everyone but me [the 3-letter homophobic slur that stars with an F] and saying stuff about their mothers. He told everyone I was a “Fantasy Football rookie” (which I am) and that’s why he was going easy on me. Well, I can't have that happening. So this was my reply:
Going easy on me huh. Too bad I didn’t go easy on your mother last night. I can't wait to put minimal effort into this and see what happens. I may be a Fantasy Football rookie, but I'm a seasoned veteran when it comes to calling people [the 3-letter homophobic slur that stars with an F] on the Internet. I look forward to next several months of exchanging barbs with you [the 3-letter homophobic slur that starts with a G and also means “happy”] [rhymes with “block”] smokers. Peace out Girl Scouts.
A little on the childish side, I know, but when in Rome, or in this case, on the Internet... Like I said before, by any means necessary. And if that necessary means is stooping, then stooping it will be. Besides, like I also said before, this is fantasy.(3) Then later today, we got an email about the draft:
Saturday, 6 PM at Ready Randy’s if we get enough dudes.
To which I replied:
Someone actually named a place "Ready Randy's" huh. What, "Magic Mike's" was already taken? Something tells me you pretty boys won't have any problems getting enough dudes.
Again, pretty basic stuff, but whatever, that's the approach I'm rolling with for now. I'm clearly here for the fun & games; not the fun and games. Of course, it’s inevitable that I will at some point have to go to The Commish's house for a league get-together or burn party or a tire fire or whatever they do in rural WI, and I will run into some these guys from The League and possibly have to explain myself, but I’ll deal with that when it happens. I might have to put some sort of I-was-craving-acceptance spin on it to keep from getting my ass kicked. So far Fantasy Football is more than I could have hoped for. And that basically boils down to this: under the guise of web-based anonymity it’s kind of fun being an [rhymes with “bass mole.”]
(1)-Yes, I realize this is totally unoriginal, considering there is a television program called The League which is indeed about a Fantasy Football league. But that show is pretty good, and honestly, part of the reason I joined my The League.
(2)-Turns out it is the name of a song by some dude that was in some band but is now solo...or something like that. I'm actually kind of disappointed it isn't racist. But on the other hand, I hate Nu Metal almost as much as real/non-ironic racism.
(3)-Does this mean my fantasy is to be a big homophobe? No. Fantasy basically means fake, so, like, don't read anything into it—it's fake.