Scene Report: Downtown Barnes & Noble Bathrooms

When you're downtown MPLS, and trying to not spend any money and/or are clearly a vagrant, there are not a lot of bathroom opportunities that don't involve crouching behind alleyway dumpster or sneaking into parking ramps. Gamewerks in Block E was a good one, but that shut down years ago.  These days the options for blasting a surprise piss or an emergency dumper are slim. Besides the bus shelter outside of The Gay '90s--where, according to the smell and the always creepily damp interior, it's totally acceptable to let it fly--the next best place (that I know of) is Barnes & Noble on the Nicolette Mall. Now before you go screaming at me about "blowing up spots", take a suppository and realize this joint aint no secret and hasn't been for a long fucking time.

Yesterday I went on a solo mission, bouncing around various establishments downtown for fake St. Patrick's Day. (BTW, it's today, dick-lickers.) When I wasn't conversing with other loners and old guys in drivers caps or avoiding them by Facebooking numerous SPD-related jokes from my phone*, I was looking for places to urinate.  Sure, I was able to relieve myself at the pubs, but because I was inhaling stout at rapid clicks and the fact that I have the bladder of a 10 year old girl / 85 year old man anytime the temperature drops below 50, whenever I stepped out onto the street my body would beg me to firehose black 'n' tans out of my peener in concerning fashion.  On one such occasion I swung into my old fav, the aforementioned B&N, and that's when I saw this...

Mpls, MN, 3/16/13

Personally, I've never changed a baby in a public restroom without first chugging some cough syrup and a fifth of cheap vodka, (Is there another way?) so I can't really bitch about what the place looked like.  Holy crap though (literally,) this place smelled like a library. That is to say it smells like homeless alcoholics.

Now I have no problem with homeless people or alcoholics or the combination thereof (having been both at various points in my life,) but damn, it would be nice if we could all exercise a little discretion here regardless of our living and/or dependency sitchys. Because, like, there's a lot of us that have to use these motherfuckers, and it's already an unpleasant experience without the nostril hair-singing burn.  


*St. Patrick's Day is Hot Topic for people that like the color green

*St. Patrick's Day is to bros what the Zombie Pub Crawl is to geeks.

*O'Brien.  It's Scandinavian for "Fake Irish, secret Jew, ashamed German, wannabe Black gangsta." Trust me on this.

*I'm like Brendan Behan with the Internet and better jokes.

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