12/19/08

Dear BikeNewBlack, Good Fortune

Dear BikeNewBlack,
Perhaps I should have added "..and if so, what?" When I asked if you collected anything, I was genuinely curious. (I read your profile and you mentioned action figures.) If I knew you were going to be such an asshole, I wouldn't have bothered. Sor-fuckin-e. And another thing, you think you're so funny. My name IS Jorge.
-NOT So Curious Jorge

Dear NSCJ,
First of all, can I just say, I love the "Sor-fuckin-e" part. Sorry, your first email came sandwiched between others, all on the same day, within minutes of each other, that appeared to be jokes. In fact yours arrived just after the one from a gentleman, inviting me to indulge with him, in his "large collection of gay porn." Although I'm still somewhat skeptical, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on this one and go ahead and address your question...

It' funny you should ask, I was just thinking about this the other day when I pulled not one, not two, but three different fortunes out of my jacket pocket and tossed them on the existing pile. Besides said aggregation, spilling off of my dresser and on to the floor, I have a couple small boxes, jam packed with fortunes dating 10 years back. Any time I attempt to clean my room, I find numerous fortunes strewn about, reminding me how many times I've eaten at an Asian buffet in the last couple months. I've used them in various art projects over the years and sometimes I'll even mail a couple, anonymously, to friends. So they aren't really sentimental or anything but I do have a few favorites that I will never get rid of. One, a joke, says "You own an iron. Would it kill you to use it once in awhile?" And another one that says "In 90 days something good will happen to you." I actually marked my calendar 90 days from when I got that one, but nothing substantial came of it. So yeah, I collect fortune-cookie fortunes.

12/18/08

Oh, there you are





Dear BikeNewBlack, I guess the jokes on me

Dear BikeNewBlack,
I have a large collection of gay porn. Do you want to cum over and watch some with me?
-Ben

Dear Mr. Dover,
Clever choice of words. December doesn't look good. Let's schedule something for early next month.

Dear BikeNewBlack,
Do you collect anything?
-Curious Jorge

Dear George,
Besides gay porn, no.

Dear BikeNewBlack,
If you fall, I will catch you. I'll be waiting, time after time.
-Cyndi

Dear Ms. Lauper,
If you're lost, you can look and you will find me. Time after time.

Dear BikeNewBlack,
I'm a vampire. I want to suck your blood.
-Fang

Dear Fang,
Love the name. December doesn't look good. Let's schedule something for early next month.

12/17/08

Please tell me, where did you go?









If you insist on getting me gifts...

I mean I know it's Christmas and I have a birthday coming up and all that but really, its not necessary. I really don't need much. I guess if you're still not taking no for an answer then, gift certificates are always nice. Plus they are easy to mail, so if you must...book or record stores, Starbucks, Whole Foods or art supply stores. If your looking to get me more material items...a Clash tee shirt (size XL), a subscription to Maximum Rock-n-Roll or Thrasher magazines, Vans slip-ons (plain print, any color that's not ridiculous, size10), or ROH or PWG wrestling DVDs.

12/16/08

Why doesn't this chick have her own show yet?


If Meagan doesn't get at least "C-List" celebrity status out of this Sharon Osbourne scuffle shit, there is something wrong in Hollywood. As the kids say on the message boards, LOL.

From TMZ:
The LAPD is investigating an alleged brutal cat fight that went down between Sharon Osbourne and a contestant on the VH1 reality show "Rock of Love: Charm School" who ended up in the hospital. Megan Hauserman claims Sharon went ballistic during a taping of the show's reunion special Saturday night -- accusing Osbourne of running across the stage, grabbing Megan by her hair and refusing to let go. Hauserman claims Sharon (who is the host of the show) continued to pull and scratch until security eventually separated the two. Megan went to the hospital Sunday afternoon and filed a report with the LAPD on Sunday night. According to Megan, the whole thing started after Sharon took a verbal shot at her, and the Charmed School" contestant responded by telling Sharon she is only famous for managing a brain dead rock star -- and then all hell broke loose. The LAPD says Sharon is a suspect in a minor battery. No charges have been filed. Calls to VH1 and Sharon's management company were not returned.

Update: Ask and you shall receive.

12/13/08

...

Been busy lately. Not much time for blogging. That's probably not a bad thing....To those of you that have written into Dear BikeNewBlack, I'm not ignoring you. I really do appreciate it, so I'll get to them as soon as I can. Maybe tomorrow...Partied like it was 2006 last Friday at Allison's house with Goyzilla, J-Sho, Beth, Tom, Derek, Elaine and LG. Plus fun new additions Marlow and Tom's girlfriend (whose name escapes me.) As expected, it was quite ridiculous. I think between Elaine and J-Sho, approximately 500 pictures were taken. Hopefully we'll see some of them soon...Went to Suicidal Tendencies on Thursday night. Big Business tonight. More on both later...Murder City Devils reunion (again). This time its a short tour on the west coast in February. I'll be reporting from the Seattle and Portland shows...Desobediencia Civil is soooooooo great...I'm now recording Randumb Thizzoughts in real time, via the newest social networking craze, Twitter. How ridiculous am I? Don't answer that...Patiently awaiting my man Mickey Rourke and The Wrestler. When the hell does that shit come out, already?...I do believe I have perfected not one but two different breakfast burrito recipes...Wondering what to get me for holiday gifts? I'll put up a list soon...

12/1/08

Dear BikeNewBlack, TV & Insults

Dear BikeNewBlack,
What tv shows do you watch?
-Just Curious

Dear JC,
Thanks for writing. It's funny you'd ask. I was just thinking about this because I'm a little behind on some of my shows and I'm having some difficulty finding time to catch up. Prime time doesn't really fit into my schedule so I do a lot of taping. Yes, I still use a VCR. I notice you asked what I watch and not what my favorites are. It's gonna be hard, but I'll try not to go into too much detail about what I like or dislike about each one. Also, I'll leave MMA and pro-wrestling programming off the list, as I pretty much watch any of either, no matter how awful it may be. Keep in mind, I don't have cable. Therefore, if I'm not watching at a friends house, I have to wait until it comes out on DVD. Subsequently, some of these series may have run their course by now but I'm still watching them. TV shows I am currently watching are:

Family Guy, American Dad & the Simpsons.
Gossip Girl -I'm a sucker for this stuff. Plus it helps me fill the OC void.
One Tree Hill -Has the basketball element, which I like. However, it's a shame this didn't get cancelled before the OC. I wish it would end...unless they bring back the Chris Keller character.
90210 -I like this for the same reasons I like GG and OTH. Also I watched the original series. One downside of this show, like OTH, is that it gets a little too wholesome at times.
The Wire -Best show ever in the history of television. Period.
The Sopranos -I still haven't finished the final season, even though I know how it ends.
Curb Your Enthusiasm -I ALOL even when I'm watching it by myself.
Entourage -For a drama, they get a lot accomplished in a half hour. I probably wouldn't complain if it was longer though.
The Shield -I got into it as a replacement between seasons of The Wire. It's since taken on a life of its own.
Nip/Tuck -I may give up on this one. It's just getting way too ridiculous.
Sons of Anarchy -The best new show on television.
Rock of Love-Charm School -Garbage...but the kind where you can't look away. Mostly you cant look away because of Megan.

Dear BikeNewBlack,
Your an ass.

Dear Person Who Insults Me,
It's funny you should mention that. I was just discussing the same exact thing with a friend of mine yesterday. I won't disagree with you. However, I think you meant You're. Thanks for writing.

11/30/08

Dear BikeNewBlack, Skinny Jeans & Poor Grammar

Dear BikeNewBlack,
I read Hot Dog Days all the time. (You went to high school with my cousin.) I can't begin to explain how excited I was to see that you decided to start answering emails on your blog. The reason I am writing you is because I'm a little out of it these days, fashion wise. I live in a small town in Northern Wisconsin and the closest mall is thirty seven miles away. I should mention that I'm a single man going on forty. I have been shopping for jeans online but I'm not sure I know what I'm doing. Can you tell me what the difference between "indie rock skinny" and "new school hip hop skinny" is? Should a man my age even be considering skinny jeans? Thanks! Keep up the good work so I can continue to live vicariously through you.
-Clueless in Wisconsin

Dear CIW,
First of all, Wow! You live vicariously through me?!? Ahhhh, thanks...I guess. Secondly, I have no idea whatsoever who your cousin is, but please, say 'hello' for me. Third, and most important, thank you! You, my friend, are the first person to email in a question.
It's funny you'd ask. I actually discussed a similar question with a friend of mine just the other day. However, I'm curious as to what websites are using this terminology to describe their jeans. Not that I haven't heard the terms before. Both styles are in the skinny category (obviously) and are labeled rather appropriately. I guess for someone living in the middle of nowhere it might not be so self explanatory, so I'll give it a shot. Indie rock skinny jeans, often made with "stretch" material, are ridiculously tight and form fitting. Like, I can see your cock and balls, tight. Despite the name, it's more likely they were made famous by fans of indie-rock than the actual indie-rockers themselves. In my humble opinion, IRS jeans only look good on very few people; mostly females and punk-rockers. New school hip hop skinny, often times labeled "slim," are still fairly tight, but with a bit more wiggle room, if you know what I mean. Kanye West and Chris Brown can be seen rocking NSHHS jeans on the regular. As well, new school indie-hoppers like Cage and Yak Balls, among others, have traded in their baggys for the tight look. Hence the name.
I work in an industry with some aging rockers and many of them, several years older than you, wear tight jeans. I don't think your age is a determining factor in this case. As for shopping for jeans on the Internet; I'd advise against it. When shopping for skinnys (or slims,) it's been my experience that you actually need to see how the jeans fit before purchasing them. Even if you've worn the same size of Silver Tabs (or even 501s) for years, more than likely the fit is going to change when going skinnier. Also, something as simple as the wash or dye of a jean can compromise sizing. Believe me, I can relate to your geographically challenged shopping situation. (Just ask your cousin.) However, driving 37 miles to the nearest civilization will be far more rewarding than Internet shopping. Being the single man that you are, skinny jeans might not be the only thing you take home from the mall. Good luck!

Dear BikeNewBlack,
i picked up one of your mix cds last summer...it was laying on the table at kieren's after one of the poetry slams...once in while i look at your shitty blog...i never left any comments because i dont want to create google account just to tell you that i think you're selv indulgent little prick...thank you shithead for posting your email address...i just have one question....who do you think you are?...i mean i do know woh you are but who do you think you are?...Bitch!

Dear...,
Just when I thought you didn't know any form of punctuation other than the ellipses (of which, I am a big fan), you went and used an exclamation point...and you even capitalized the b in Bitch. Excellent, my man, excellent!
Who do I think I am? Good question. Funny you should ask; I was just talking about this with a friend of mine. We came to the conclusion that I am probably not as much the things I think I am as I am the things other people think I am. Or maybe it was the other way around?

11/26/08

Dear BikeNewBlack,

See that new feature over there on the side, right under my profile info? Yeah, that's new. I'll entertain most anything. Give it a shot. "Louie, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship."


Or, if you don't already, you might end up hating me. Either way, it's worth it, right?

11/18/08

"I turned my back on society the day society turned its back on me...

...got any spare change?"

On one side of the street this...

...and on the other, this...

Like literally right across the street from each other. On Sunday, both of us were a little depressed about Randy losing to Brock the night before. We still managed to pull ourselves together and head to Venice for the afternoon, knowing that would surely lift our spirits.

Ahhhhh, the Venice Beach boardwalk. Believe it or not, I had never been to Venice until yesterday. One would think that I guy like me would've been there long ago.

This guy was dancing to some techno and yelled "Hey gringos, ayaihyai" or something at us.

The first thing we ate were 1 dollar hot dogs, of which Dan was not a fan. I went for some teriyaki a little later.

I was hesitant as to whether or not I should get this because of possible, shall we say, side effects. ahem. Dan said he'd rather shit his pants and continue to walk the boardwalk than use the Venice Beach public restrooms. I gambled and went for the teriyaki anyway. Happy to report I did not have any complications.

Dan opted for the trusty Gyro.

If I could have gotten a front shot of this guy, I'd be submitting it to Street Boners for sure.

This place is freakin' sensory overload...and I like it.


We watched the roller skating dancers for about 20 minutes. Dan said he could have sat there all day.










The world-famous Muscle Beach. Only one dude was working out....and he was wearing a speedo. I think Hulk Hogan and Sting used to pump iron here.
Me and the Master of Disaster DP, hangin' out front of the Venice Skate Shop. While we were walking around, perhaps inspired by my surroundings, I mentioned how interesting it is all the life choices one can make. Dan bluntly responded. "Yeah, and then, 30 years later, you're still on Venice Beach." Just then this guy rolled by on a scooter.




I never would have thought that the Run DMC shirt would have caused such a ruckus. But right when we had had enough and decided to leave, we were approached-hassled is more like it-by a crew of dudes trying to get us to buy their "self-produced, independent hip-hop" CDs. When I refused, they berated me, calling me a poser for wearing a Run DMC shirt and saying "this nigga don't know nothin' 'bout hip-hop." Oh man, I had to hold back. I decided to laugh it off instead. But seriously, I probably had 10 years on these kids. Trying to tell ME I don't know hip-hop, sheeeeeeit.

After that, we went to the grocery store to prepare for tonight's BBQ feast.

Dan's famous ribs.

Washed down with a shit-ton more Coors Lights of course, per our agreement to pound several cans a beer each night. Then the jacuzzi once again.
Dan gut.
I don't think I have mentioned my two pals for the week, Dan's roomies Bogey and Tiger. They cuddle together, which is unbelievably cute. Yesterday, after enjoying a Double-Double, "animal style", at In & Out Burger, I hopped on a plane home and crashed the eff out. As we landed the pilot came on and announced "Welcome to Minneapolis everyone. The temperature is 19 degrees." A loud, collective moan erupted from the passengers. Fuck yeah, I'm home...and now I got a damn cold.