everybody's talkin' 'bout their short list (2009 Best Of preview)

As the two double aught niner comes to a close so comes the onslaught of Best Of lists. And of course I must fulfill my self-imposed contractual duties as a blogger and contribute to said onslaught.  It's no easy task, let me tell you.  (As well, this year were pulling double duty, as it's also the end of a decade.  Yikes!)

Inevitably, each year when I begin to compile my "short list"* I realize that a, I'm not exactly as on top of things as I'd like to think, and b, I might be losing touch.  Admittedly, I spent the first half of this year catching up on last year and thus missed crucial inclusions like the brilliant film The Wackness.  And shit, I still haven't heard Fucked Up's The Chemistry of Common Life.

So anyway, my full list will be coming in late this year...again.  But here is a preview...

Raekwon the Chef-Only Built For Cuban Linx II- Not since El-P's 2007 masterpiece I'll Sleep When You're Dead have I considered a rapper for Best Album of the Year.

Film (U.S. Comedy)
Adventureland- This year it was all about The Hangover, which was great but I was able to connect with the characters in Adventureland on a more personal level.

I Drink For a Reason- David Cross- Although I'm still reading it I'm fairly certain it's the only book released in '09 that I've even opened.  So there you go.

Emotional Investment
The Minnesota Vikings- It's been 11 years since I allowed them to do this to me, but Sweet Fucking Christ!  These guys are toying with my emotions like I'm the 9th grade nerdy girl that the hottest senior boy in school has been cheating on his prom queen gf with.

*I use quotations because nobody's, especially not mine, is actually ever that short.

New Jacked City/Law & Di$order

Ice who?


customer service up in this piece, yo.

Someone sent them a link to this and look what showed up in the mail today...

3 Things: Ode To Ye Olden MySpace Bulletins (RIP)

3 things I like to eat.
a. Brats
b. Pizza
c. Cheese

3 things that kinda creep me out
a. Nazis
b. Rats
c. Rednecks

3 things that make me lol.
a. Germans
b. New Yorkers
c. Packers Fans


My two favorite Christmas songs. Just for you.

PS-I'm only on the internet on Christmas morning to check to status of my brothers flight so shut up and enjoy what the pc folks call "this time of year."


New Yorkers are like soooo FAT!

True story.  Fucking egg creams and pizza slices.  Srsly, they are effing fat.  The skinny ones-the "hipsters"-are all midwestern transplants.  Jussayin'.

judging by the cover...

Dear Cute Blonde, With The Ugly Boots, Reading a Book on the Train This Morning,

I couldn't help but notice your choice of reading material.  Great Expectations, huh.  Seriously, come on!  Great Expectations?!  Lemme guess, your idea of a fun nice Saturday night is a few glasses a glass of wine warm milk while watching old episodes of Hart to Hart Murder, She Wrote. On VHS of course.  Oh, oh, oh, and I know...  Your favorite collection at the Institute of Arts is the Roman and Greek classicals.  Amirite, or amirite?  Boring.   

Here, let me tell you how it goes. 

A young boy named Pip steals food and booze from his family on Christmas to give to a shady, yet hungry and thirsty criminal named Magwitch.  Many years later Pip inherits a large sum of money from an unknown benefactor.  On a stormy night, Pip learns that said benefactor is, of all people, Magwitch.  Magwitch eventually dies of natural causes on, get this, the night before he was to be hanged for being a shady criminal!  Old-fashioned European laws make it so they can take Pip's money away because his benefactor has died, thus crushing Pip's dreams aka "great expectations."  There is also something about a love interest named Estella.  The end.

Ok, now pick something else to read.  Quick, before the 'cute' wears off.

OMG, is there a worse band than the Beatles?

Dear World,
Srsly, get over it already, mmk thx. 

Help! ?? Yeah, help me find some goddamn earplugs.


Felt 4: Tribute to Brittany Murphy, anyone?

Bummer. Srsly. Rest in piece peace, girl.

Slug, Murs, just throw my name in the liner notes and we'll call it good.


Product Approval or the Lack Thereof...and Urine or the Lack Thereof

I do not approve of the product that exploded, causing its contents to spray all over my crotch, making it look as though I pissed myself.

I do however approve of said contents of said expolded product that made said crotch look like it pissed itself.

Also, I approve of The Onion, not as quality reading material (it insists upon itself) but rather as an acceptable seat cushion for soaking up said contents of said exploded product that makes said crotch look like it pissed itself.


I like so totally did NOT miss the boat on The Jersey Shore.

Recently a few friends have emailed me saying stuff like "Dude, I'm sure you're loving this." and the 'this' is a link to MTV's new reality show The Jersey Shore. Inevitably they end up disappointed when I tell them that I am not in fact loving The Jersey Shore because I am not in fact watching The Jersey Shore. I understand where my friends are coming from though. After all, I was going crazy about this when it came out; emailing it to everyone I knew. I even puckered my lips and pushed my chin out for pictures like a guido. But that was nearly two years ago. I'm over it now. And technically, I never loved guidos; I loved to hate guidos. Also, as of this summer, I have officially given up trashy reality television. As you know, I, for the most part, hate celebrities. Especially celebrealities. (It's about 90% because of the sheer fact that they are celebrities and 10% because of jealousy. [If only they would have done The Real World-Minneapolis. I coulda been a contenda!]) Therefore it makes total sense that I should also hate aspiring celebrities like the guidos on The Jersey Shore. The problem with this is I'm all out of hate. Or rather, I'm out of the energy it takes to love hating these people. When it comes The Jersey Shore, I'm an emotionless, unaffected, cold-hearted whatever of nothingness. So as far as me watching the this show or any other trashy reality tv show goes...fugetaboutit.

ps-I'm sorry if the title mislead anyone into thinking this was going to be about my New Jersey Celebrity Cruise trip.


i don't like those other guys lookin' at your curves

i don't like you walkin' around with physical jerks
everything they say and do is gettin' on my nerves
soon they will be lucky to be pickin' up the perks

Free zine and $5 donation in your name to the first person to tell me the song.


In other news...

...Diego, you can go ahead and STFU now.

Pic courtesy of BJPENN.COM.  Diego's forehead vagina courtesy of BJ PENN~! 

*UPDATE:  The injuries to Diego Sanchez included two huge splits in his leg way down, a broken nose (not confirmed but believed) and one of the longest gashes in the forehead in UFC history. I didn't see him after the show, but talked with two who did and said it one of the worst ever. --courtesy of Dave Meltzer at Figure Four Weekley/Wrestling Observer.com


"Crazy Ambien Sex"? Dear Tiger, WTF?

And another thing about Tiger Woods...

Can someone please tell me what the hell an Ambien sex party is? If it's anything like a booze and weed sex party, then I already know. Or at least I kind of remember. I know it involves possibly non-consensual intercourse on a dirty mattress in a basement of a house party in Bemidji, MN, circa 1998. No, I'm not making light of sexual assault. I was the victim... If that's what happened. It’s still a little foggy. That's why I said possibly. Either way, I was definitely the victim.  Anyway, Tiger, is that at all similar to an Ambien sex party?

Reader Submitted Content: Gremlins Christmas Card

Hey, here is a copy of the Christmas card I made this year. Hope you get a laugh out of it.



Tiger Woods Is Such A Nazi

The gf and I were lying around last night watching what the Brits like to call 'the telly' and there was some celebrity gossipy type show on. You know, Inside Edition, ET, Extra or whathaveyou. My friend Lora calls them 'the news.' So yeah, anyway, the news was on the telly and of course they were talking about Tiger Woods because, like, who isn't? Dr. Drew was hypothesizing that Tiger may be a sex addict. Last night the number of women he has supposedly exercised infidelities with was four. Today, that number has jumped to an astounding ten! Far be it for me to question Dr. Drew's professional opinion, but have you seen who these chicks are?  I'm not so sure his addiction is sex but rather, who he's having sex with.  You know how dude's sometimes have nicknames for their penis right?  (Present company excluded; promise.)  Well, Tiger's must be named Adolf, because he's banging the third reich of pussy.  The dude gets more blonde, blue-eyed cocktail waitress ass than a Hooters casting couch.  (That's how they get hired, right?)  If I was Tiger, I'd at least try branching out a little.  I mean if you're going to got out to diner, at least order something you can't eat at home. 

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