11/27/09

11/20/09

Event Reminder: Back Alley Gallery Annual Fall Sale starts tonight!

Is it weird that I was just in the corner store over my lunch break and found myself staring into the beer cooler for a solid two minutes? I'm not even sure how I got there. I think I just needed to get some cash. It's obviously Friday. So that means tonight is the opening of Annual Fall Sale down at the BAG.  This year a portion of  proceeds will be donated to our freind Lora.  Yeah, the same Lora that's getting all the money from my zine.  Oh, what, you didn't hear?  Uh huh, that shit is out, like now...





And in other news, you can cop them shits tonight...


11/19/09

People With Kids Are The Worst Parents

Every weekday morning while I'm picking out a hot outfit--Levis, Vans, a flannel, maybe a striped sweater (temperature depending)--I have the telly on my favorite local morning news program, Fox 9. Yeah, that's right, Fox News. Mostly because they update the weather constantly and they have a couple of wacky personalities. Two of which I sometimes fantasize about having a threesome with. (Alex Kendall and MA Rosko, holler at me.) So this morning, as usual, I'm not really paying attention until the weather comes on (so I know if it's a flannel day or striped sweater day) when all of a sudden someone is talking about how you need to teach your children to stay away from bad people like drug dealers, or  murderers and whatnot, and I'm like "What, even though that's true, it seems a little too opinionated, even for Fox News." (I always talk to myself.) So I look up to see that the channel has somehow been switched and is now on a religious station. I'm like "How did that happen?" (See?) Then I realize that Alley is messing with the remote. "Ah ha, the culprit!", I say with a huge grin on my face. (There is no greater joy than seeing your young ones discovering something new.) Meanwhile, the guy on the TV keeps on listing all of these types of bad people to avoid--pedophiles, arsonists, rapists, thieves and so on--and then, right at the end, throws in "...lesbians and gay men." I'm like "Whooooa, hold up there buddy!" And he's continuing on about how "Some people think being a homosexual comes from your genes when, in fact, it's a choice and sinful choice at that." I had heard enough and promptly told the religious TV dude to "Shut the fuck up." Then I realized I had just said this in front of Alley, who, with her new found fondness for using the remote, is obviously at an impressionable age and learning some new things. I decided to roll with it. I looked her in the face and said "Shut the fuck up. That's what we say to people like that, Alley.  We tell them to shut the fuck up." The gf walked into the room at that exact moment and, with her hands on her hips, made a sarcastic comment about what a great parent I am. This got me thinking...I am a great parent! This guy and his parents and their parents and their fucking parents are the fucking bad parents; spewing ignorant, old-fashioned hate like that. Thanks to me, Alley will know how to properly deal with uneducated jackasses like religious TV guy and other likeminded idiots. She'll tell them to "Shut the fuck up." And she will have learned that from me. I am proud of that. Because I am a good parent. Thankfully though, Alley won't have to worry about jerks like that. Because she's a cat.

when yer hangin downtown

Wait, date, no I can't go.
I gotta stick around, watch my show.
I know it's better than the TV, and there's a whole lot to see.

(click pic to make big)


Free zine to the first person to email me the song-no googles allowed.

11/16/09

HotDogDayz-the 'Zine available this weekend.


Well it's official, HotDogDayz issue #1 is done. All the stuff you've come to hate about HotDogDayz is now available in a good old-fashioned cut-n-paste art 'zine. 26 pages of collages, fashion, photography, punk rock, graffiti, pro-wrestling, roadkill and other crap you'll extremley dislike. Black and white with a full color centerfold. Asking price is 5 bucks.  Wait, hold on a sec before you scoff at that.  All proceeds from the sale of issue #1 will go to my friend Lora (pictured) to help in her battle against cancer. See, now 5 bucks doesn't seem that bad does it, asshole?  The first time HDD will be available is this weekend at the Back Alley Gallery Annual Fall Sale.  Please visit theBackAlleyGallery for more info on that.  Those of you that don't live in the TC or can't make it down to the BAG that would like to purchase a copy of my 'zine and donate to Lora's fight, can do so by either using Paypal (link on the right side) or by emailing me.  Like I said, 5 bucks is the asking price.  However, ANY amount is acceptable and greatly appreciated.

In other news... 

11/13/09

Dear BikeNewBlack, Bloodsuckers in the Workplace

Dear BNB,

How do you deal with people who one minute are joking around with you and then out of nowhere they are all offended and serious?
-Disgruntled Employer

Dear DE,
Nice to hear from you again. In order to more effectively answer your question I'm going narrow it down by assuming you're having some troubles with an employee displaying some erratic behavior.

As a supervisor, joking around with the little people is great way to satisfy their self-importance needs. The jovial, fun-loving boss tactic can have a positive effect on employee morale, but is not without its limitations. Obviously you'd steer clear of making any jokes about salaries, job performance, race or sexual orientation. Unfortunately though, there are other jokes that employees will get pissy about that you just can't predict.

Many years ago I worked with a dude that I lovingly referred to (behind his back, of course) as The Vampire. You know the guy; pale skin, long black hair, black cargo pants tucked into black combat boots, black metal t-shirts, black trench coat with a Norwegian flag patched on the back and an old military bag (black, of course) stuffed with various vampire reading material for the long bus ride to and from work. Yeah, that guy, The Vampire.

Vamp and the boss had quite the amorous relationship, based almost entirely around their mutual love of professional wrestling. They would have these long, humorous, animated discussions about who got put over, who's a shooter, who never breaks kayfabe, who's the best worker and so on.

One day the boss made a funny about Vamp's favorite wrestler, *Chris Benoit. A serious, disapproving look washed over Vamp's pale face. He immediately walked away, shaking his head as if he was surprised that someone would actually crack a joke about pro wrestling; let alone his favorite wrestler...er, worker.  He didn't speak to the boss or anyone else for the rest of the day.

The Vampire was future endeavored at the end of his shift.

That's pro wrestling lingo for "You're FIRED!"

DE, being the boss, you have a unique advantage in this situation. My advice: wish this person well in their future endeavors. Bloodsuckers have no business in the workplace.
-BNB

*Yes, I recognize the irony, some 10 years later.

11/11/09

Reader Submitted Content: My Day So Far in MS Paint

I love making MS Paint drawings.  A brief window into my day thus far:

P1. Facing the daunting challenge of completing a 5 hour shift, I embrace the one constant that hasn’t failed me…coffee.

P2. I stare at numerous sheets of paper that all have strange symbols and graphs. What can they mean? The tools needed to translate their cryptic hieroglyphics into tangible work is beyond my reach, those tools of course being work ethic and raw intelligence.

P3. A brief respite from the paper comes to me in the form of a delicious submarine sandwich. It’s maker was obviously deft with both meat selection and surgical incision. I marvel at the intricate sheets of cow, pig, and chicken as well as the clean separation of both halves. Perhaps today will be good after all.

P4. HEAVY METAL! My daily release from purgatory upon me, I rush to Station 4 to watch leather-clad men pretend they are pirates. This causes an overflow of testosterone and I feel the need to either build something or to squish the nearest spider. Between bands I drink the most regal of all beers…Pabst Blue Ribbon, hail Odin!
 
-Josh